


Fill My Heart With Emptiness

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Development, Developing Relationship, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gift Exchange, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 02:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3102713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since you’re trying to get to know <em>everyone</em>, you eventually notice that there’s one troll you’re not sure you actually know at all? You know who the Zahhaks are, Equius is hilarious and so much fun to fluster, and Horuss is right there, the same not-quite-a-duplicate intergenerational parallel like all the game-playing trolls have. But yeah, Horuss is by far the person you’ve talked to least since coming to the new universe. It’s kinda weird, because even Equius will have nice long conversations with you if you poke him the right way, but Horuss only responds to your messages with one or two lines, and then just… lets the conversations die. Every time. That’s… fine, you know? If that’s just how he rolls? But once you notice, you start paying him way more attention irl, and it’s really weird. Because he’s there, like, <em>all</em> the time, at all the get-togethers and parties and dinners, only you’d never notice if you weren’t looking for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fill My Heart With Emptiness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laylah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laylah/gifts).



> This present is for the fantastic Laylah, who asked for someone to tackle Horuss as a character, in a setting where it's possible for him to progress emotionally and psychologically from where we see him in the dreambubbles. Can you tell that I liked this prompt? I love the Zahhaks, but I have to admit I hadn't given much consideration to Horuss until I started thinking about this scenario. And then I wrote twenty thousand words of story more than I originally meant to. I had a fantastic time exploring Horuss, and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it!!

                So this new weird-ass fused post-game world is basically the _best thing_ you could have ever imagined. Because, you know, there’s people? You’re used to there being two humans in the whole world, that’s just what normal population density is (or four if you’re _really_ pushing the limit), and even if you know that’s not usual, it’s still what you’re used to. But now? WOW, there are people _everywhere!_ Humans, trolls, carapacians (and you can deal with the little dudes a lot better now that they’re not jacking your pumpkins and eating your cats). And you _love it_.

                So, people! You friggin’ _love_ people! You wish you could get to know _everyone_ , even though with a couple billion folks spread out across multiple continents that _may not_ be a reasonable life goal. But the ex-game players make for a nice comfortable social circle! There’s your session of course, plus the other human session, but then it turns out the troll players had two sessions too, and the game apparently like, saves backups so that if at least some of the players make it through they can import their dead buddies into the new universe. Super awesome, otherwise you would have _significantly fewer_ new troll friends! Also, you have the Mayor. _No_ new universe would have been complete without the Mayor.

                Turns out, it’s a real good thing you’ve got so many new friends to work with, because, uh. You guess that most people aren’t quite as social as you? Apparently? You get it, you really do. Even just over the net, Dirk always needed plenty of alone time, and Jake grew up just as isolated as you and Dirk did. It makes sense that they’d need breaks from being around everybody else! You’re just the weird one, hahaha. And even Jane, she needs solo time too. And before, when she wanted to be alone, you were stuck with the options of sticking around and making yourself unhappy because you can tell you’re annoying her, or going off on your own… and being even more unhappy because you were lonely as shit.

                Not an issue now!! Having dear, sweet, precious Fefeta around was a huge help in the game because you had someone to talk to when your friends didn’t want you, but now you have Feferi _and_ Nepeta, and when you add it all up there are _literally dozens_ of new people for you to hang out with! It’s amazing. It’s so amazing you don’t even have the words to express how happy it makes you. There are so many people around you pretty much don’t have to be alone _ever_ if you don’t want to be. Half the time you’re like, is this a dream? But it’s totally not, it’s real life, and it’s basically better than you could have _ever_ imagined.

                So! Lots of new people to meet. Trolls, mostly. You at least knew about the other human players from the start, and with a few exceptions (like the dear, sweet, precious Mayor), the carapacians tend to avoid the game players. But wow, yeah, the two dozen funky grey aliens took you totally by surprise! You knew they _existed_ , because Fefeta told you, but you definitely hadn’t expected to see any of the dead ones showing up in the new universe. So like… you’d been thinking three or four troll players max, and instead you got twenty four.

                You friend all of them on your chat client, because duhhhh, why wouldn’tyou, but _en gee ell_ you have to make a cheat sheet for who’s who, indexed by screen name, text color, and weird-ass typing quirk. And hahaha, the other humans _totally_ ask you for copies of your spreadsheet once they start trying to keep trolls straight. Two dozen new friends! Plus all the others! You try to make it a point of getting to know everyone at least a bit, even though that’s more people than you’d ever talked to before in your whole life.

                It’s hella hard to get a handle on who all of them are, but it’s easy enough to figure out that Karkat might be a shouty ball of angry, but he’s marshmallow-soft inside and you just wanna _squeeze his little cheeks_. And Tavros is so fun to talk to, especially when you can tease him into teasing you back, and he promises to show you how to play Fiduspawn, which sounds like the _funnest_ game in the world! And then there’s Nepeta’s funny paradox-clone sorta-sister, and Meulin is kinda super loud irl, but it’s totally worth it because she’s the sweetest person and you could just talk to her for _hours_. Even the freaky-ass Makara dudes are so much fun to talk to, and you can barely process how there’s so much _variety_ in people and you get to experience _all of it_.

                Basically, you’re having the time of your life. Jake, Jane, and Dirk are a bit overwhelmed by it all, you think. Even Rose and all of them slip away for alone time pretty often. But there are so many people and you just can’t get enough! You know you’re not getting to know _everyone_ at the same pace. Some people are just more social, some are more private, but the important thing is that you don’t ever have to be alone if you don’t want to. There are people to find in real life at all hours of the day, and even at weird hours of the night (because you never developed this hu-mon sleep schedule you hear so much about), you can always find at least a few people online.

                So since you’re trying to get to know _everyone_ , you eventually notice that there’s one troll you’re not sure you actually know at all? You know who the Zahhaks _are_ , Equius is frigging hilarious and so much fun to fluster (and you have it on very good authority that Dirk would sure like to fluster him _if you know what I mean_ ), and Horuss is right there, the same not-quite-a-duplicate intergenerational parallel like all the game-playing trolls have. But you’re pretty sure he’s never talked to you? And when you go back through your chat logs, he’s barely in there at all, and it’s like come on, even Damara’s messaged you more than he has (even if she mostly responds to your messages with troll-Japanese you can’t read that returns some _real interesting results_ when you put it through an internet translator).

                But yeah, Horuss is by _far_ the person you’ve talked to least since coming to the new universe. It’s kinda weird, because even Equius will have nice long conversations with you if you poke him the right way, but Horuss only responds to your messages with one or two lines, and then just… lets the conversations die. Every time. That’s… fine, you know? If that’s just how he rolls? But once you notice, you start paying him way more attention irl, and it’s really weird. Because he’s there, like, _all_ the time, at all the get-togethers and parties and dinners, only you’d never notice if you weren’t looking for him. He just lets himself slip into the background and stays there. Even when it’s only a few people meeting up for food or whatever, it’s pretty darn likely that he’s gonna be there, and absolutely certain that he’s planning to stay so quiet you barely _remember_ he was there the next day.

                It’s just really weird! You can’t stop thinking about it, because yes, you do _get_ that some people (most people) are shyer than you. But you waffle back and forth, and sometimes you think that he likes being around, he’s just quiet, and he enjoys watching all the people. But the feeling you get from him is that he isn’t happy at all? Kind of maybe like he wants to say stuff and doesn’t, or that other people don’t want to involve him in the conversation, or something, you don’t know. But even when you try to talk to him, he’s _super_ stiff and just sorta lets the conversation die off no matter how valiantly you apply conversational cpr. And then he just slips into the background again and goes back to looking like he wishes he was actually part of things. Less than it just being weird, you’re more and more convinced that it’s actually super sad?

                Via judicious application of gossip, you at least figure out what part of his deal is. You already knew that the first troll game session was a _huge_ mess, and you’d heard about the massive amounts of relationship drama that went down. Now, you hadn’t really put the pieces together that Horuss had been smack dab in the middle of that, and even when you have it on good authority that he was an active participant in the whole thing, it’s really strange to think about him actually getting his romance on. You guess whatever thing he had going on with Rufioh, first, lasted way, _way_ longer than it should’ve, and was pretty awful for all parties. At least that all seems to be well over now, though watching him now, you’re not at all sure that Horuss is one hundred percent over it. And you hear through Nepeta that he and Meulin had some kind of pale jam going on for a little near the end of things, and it never really took off, but watching him now you think you detect one or two little lingering looks on his part. You’re not _positive_ , with those huge-ass goggle things in the way! But wow, you are super intrigued. And you hear that Rufioh and Meulin both dumped him at nearly the same time, _ouch_. And now you know just enough to make you _really_ curious, and all you want in life is to know more. Clearly the answer is to get to know him in person!

                Now, you think you’re a fairly sociable lady. You think you’re pretty friendly! Since the universe rebooted, you’ve made friends with loads of people by accident, but now you seem to be finding it _really frigging hard_ to make one singular friend on purpose! It’s not that Horuss actually dislikes you? You think? But you come up and try to initiate a conversation, all like ‘so what’d you think about that movie?’ Or ‘what kind of restaurant should we hit up for dinner?’ And he’ll never actually give you an answer and the conversation just. Never starts. Even if it’s a movie you literally just finished watching, or the group is trying to pick a restaurant right then, he never seems to have an opinion.

                It’s kind of a lot frustrating but it also keeps you really, really curious about him. It seems like he wants to talk. He perks right up when you walk over and even with all that headgear in the way, you think you’re starting to tell the difference between withdrawn Horuss and interested Horuss. But all the signals he’s giving you are that he wants to cut off the conversation? He’ll give you a stupid non-answer even when you ask about something as undemanding as what he thinks about the weather, but then when you accept that he doesn’t want to talk and back off, dude totally… wilts. It’s really weird and you’re pretty sure you’re playing by the book as far as social rules go, but the more you try to talk to him and back off when you’re turned down, it feels increasingly like you’re taking an unhappy guy and just making him more unhappy.

                So! You are determined to figure this shit out! You take gossip controls and crank them up to _maximum_ levels, but it’s really strange, nobody seems to have that much to say about Horuss as a person? You hear a lot of people saying he’s super weird, but that’s chill, you’re not all that normal yourself (and from what you can tell normal people sound hella boring). You hear about horse and sweat and all that junk, but it’s not much help in figuring out who he _is_. Finally, Porrim clues you in that the dude has about a million and one hobbies, including art collecting, and _boom_ , there you are, you’ve found a way in!

                You make your approach without really giving him much room to back out. Which kind of feels like a dick move, but given how he lets conversations die even though it looks like he doesn’t _want_ them to die… basically, you’re not sure you’ll ever get to talk to the guy if you don’t pull something like this. You wait until there’s a big ol’ party thing going and everyone else is too busy with laughing and drinking and dancing to pay much attention to the quieter corners of the room. Horuss is sitting off in a corner all on his lonesome, just watching everyone (because that’s how Horuss rolls), and when you get the chance, you plop yourself down right beside him.

                And it goes pretty smooth! You just dive in with, “Yo, so I hear you’re the guy to hit up if I want to learn about fine art?”

                He jumps and almost spills his drink, and heh, you think you caught the dude zoning out something fierce. “I— Ah, that is— I have a STRONG affection for art, yes—”

                “Because if it’s cool with you, I’d love to swing by your place sometime and get my schoolfeed on. Sunday work for you? Around three?” Haha, you are way too pushy, wow. Still, at this point you’re pretty sure that if you wait for him to offer to set the date, you’ll be waiting _a pretty long fucking time_. And it works! He nods! Jane is trying to get your attention from across the room, so you bounce, but not before telling Horuss you’re looking forward to seeing him in a few days. You get one or two weird looks (especially from Dirk), but ha, whatever, you don’t care. You are making some _progress_.

                And come Sunday, you have braced yourself for more furry porn than mortal eye was ever meant to behold. You’re looking forward to it! You’re a lady who appreciates some well-done smut, and from what you’ve heard about the troll version of high art, you’re expecting some serious _quality_. It feels like Horuss is way too quick to back out of conversations in public, but you’re thinking that maybe in a private setting things will go better? You can’t shake the feeling that he’s a guy who _does_ want to be part of the whole social thing, but once three o’clock rolls around, you’re starting to worry that hey, maybe he’s just wanted you to fuck off this whole time and you’re just too pushy to realize you’re not wanted.

                Yeah, walking up the sidewalk to his hive is a great time to second-guess yourself. _Oops_. Man, maybe you shouldn’t be trusting your social instincts when you weren’t actually raised in a social setting, huh? Well, it’s too late to back out now. You can just play this afternoon by ear (not like you planned ahead anyways, haha), and if you don’t get any positive signals, you can just back off and give the dude his space.

                When you ring his doorbell (Doorgrub? Grubbell?) and he lets you into his place, um, _wow._ You aren’t hurting for money or anything, but his home puts yours to shame. Troll and human decorating styles are hella different, but holy shit, you can recognize expensive taste when you see it! Horuss is fidgeting in place a little while you look around, and when you finally manage to say some compliment-shaped things—it’s hard to tell, but you think if he actually emoted, the dude might be _smiling_.

                And oh man. Oh wow. You’d braced for as much furry porn as you could imagine, but, uh. You think your imagination might have fallen short. There are large paintings hung on most of the walls, yeah, but as he waves you into what looks to be a library and tells you that this is his collection of art reproductions and literature, and uh. Well. There are bookshelves of the stuff. _Multiple_ bookshelves, spread down an entire wall of the room, and hahahaha, omg, Horuss is _apologizing_ that his collection isn’t larger.

                “Shameful—Absolutely _deplorable_ that I have failed to continue expanding my library as behooves my station—”

                “Haha, dude, don’t even worry about it!” You’re just still kind of awestruck by the whole thing. These bookshelves are taller than you are (okay that’s maybe not so difficult, but they’re taller than _he_ is). “You were stuck in your game session for forever, and then you were kinda dead, yeah? Gotta say I’d be super impressed if you found a place to buy this stuff in the afterlife.”

                He’s wringing his hands, looking half anxious, half pleased. You wander off a little ways down the shelves and _oh my god a rolling ladder,_ that’s it, this is the best, best thing, you didn’t know those _actually_ existed and self-doubt, what self-doubt? You sure weren’t just thinking this whole thing was a mistake. Haha, wow, you are so excited about this afternoon and you haven’t even actually gotten to the porn yet, you’re just the doof over here in a corner working herself up over a ladder.

                Horuss is following you, and whoaaaaaa, dang, is that just the smallest hint of an actual smile you spy? He clears his throat. “Where do you wish to begin?”

                Uh. “Um. I don’t know? I was thinking since you’re the expert and all, maybe you’d tell me what I should check out…?”

                Oh balls. Wrong answer. The maybe-almost-a-smile is definitely gone now. “I couldn’t, I wouldn’t presume to direct—”

                Okay. This is weird. He seems to be, y’know, proud of his collection, and you thought he’d like having an excuse to show you the bits he likes best? But he’s definitely freaking out and shutting down and you might not have the most experience with being social, but he had been having a decent time at first, he _had_. And you can’t tell what you did _wrong._

                You grab a book at random off the shelf. “Can we start with this one?”

                Horuss goes quiet, and for a moment you think you mighta just fucked up worse, but he just bows his head a little and says, “Of horse— _course_.”

                He takes the book and leads you off through a door. His hive is pretty ridiculously oversized, but at least this room seems small and cozy. There are more paintings of naked furries on the walls, of course, but there’s also a huge… cushioned seating platform? Oh screw it, you’re just calling it a couch, and its back is just totally _covered_ in all kinds of blankets, and they all look super soft and if you don’t distract yourself right now you are going to rub your face on _all_ of them. Um, quick, distractions—There’s a coffee table, or whatever trolls want to call it, and uh. Six… kettles of tea?

                “You made us drinks?”

                Horuss nods, and you can’t tell whether it’s funny or not that he apparently brewed _six_ pots of tea (they’re all still steaming, even), for _one_ visitor. “You are a guest in my hive.”

                “Not gonna lie, son, I’m not sure how much tea you think I’ll drink, but my fragile human anatomy has some limits.”

                You’re watching for it by now, or you might not have spotted it, but you catch the moment where he tenses up. “Of course, you may select whichever you wish— Without prior knowledge of your preferences, to, to ensure you would not be displeased with my selection—”

                And you can’t help laughing just a tiny bit! Because there are literally _six_ kettles and that’s really weird but also funny and _also_ you can actually see where he’s coming from. He’s still all tense like he thinks he mighta hecked up, so you make a point of thanking him and head on over to pick one out. You kind of want to express _zero_ tea preference to see how he’d react, but you think that might be pushing into mean territory (and hey, if he decides he likes having you around, you’ve got ages to figure out how he ticks). And while you’re smelling tea (it all smells awesome), you can’t help noticing the table. It’s some kind of wood with these intricate, goddamn _gorgeous_ inlays, and it must have been super expensive… and the tea kettles are sitting right on the wood.

                Now, you don’t know much about life, but you _do_ know what potholders are for. You sneak a look at Horuss, but he’s just watching you expectantly. “Um.”

                “Is there a problem with the tea?”

                “You sure you wanna leave the kettles like this? I’m pretty sure hot things will fuck up the wood, and this table’s way too pretty to wreck—”

                “It is of no concern.” He takes a few steps closer, looks down at the table, and shakes his head. “My own work. An old piece. I can do much better.”

                Holy shit. _Holy shit_. You are totally fuckin’ knocked off your feet right now! You shift the kettles off to the corners of the tables so you can get a better look at the inlays (also where they’ll do the least damage, because seriously, this table is way too awesome to mess it up like that). And like, you had no idea that people could actually _make_ something like this?? There's all these patterns with all these woods set into other woods, different colors and shapes, and you kind of really want to ask how to do this kind of thing, but whoops, he’s talking and you were totally zoned out.

                “My STRONGEST apologies for subjecting you to such inferior furnishings, I should have considered more carefully, it is beyond shameful—”

                “Whoa, whoa! Chillax, friend. Tbh, I was totally spacing right there because this is quite possibly the most awesome table I have ever seen. Complete truth. No need to stress yourself out, promise!” Ohh, hey, is that the hint of maybe-a-smile you see back on his face? You nudge a teapot and cup at him, and welp, why not push just a _little_ harder? “Instead of trash-talking the kickass furniture, would you mind getting a girl a drink while she swoons over your ‘shamefully inferior’ work?”

                He ducks his head and maaaan you wish you could see his face while he pours your tea, but like you said, you do have some serious swooning to do. You get what inlays _are_ , but it totally blows your mind that one singular person was able to do something as intricate as this. You’re looking at the little pieces of the pattern and wondering how you even _cut_ bits that small with any precision. It’s one hell of a shame he doesn’t care about keeping the table in good shape, but when you run your fingers over it, you can feel the signs of wear and tear. You guess if he says he could do better he probably means it, but _no lie_ if you had something like this it would totally be the centerpiece of your apartment.

                Once the two of you are settled on the couch with your tea and the book (haha, oh right, you came here for _art_ ), you are as cozy as could be. You’ve even got one of the blankets wrapped around your shoulders. And when you ask him, just trying to joke around, whether he made the blankets too, you honestly shouldn’t be so surprised when he tells you he did (but of course the craftsmanship is soooo inferior, etc., etc.). You end up delaying things a bit more by unfolding every single one of the blankets so you can check that shit out! Makes you want to learn how to knit yourself, but you’re pretty sure you’ll never be able to do work as crazy awesome as this.

                Once you are done being _insanely distractible_ , the two of you do actually get down to the art schoolfeeding. He holds the book, since he’s the one who actually knows what he’s doing, and you lean in and watch while he talks. Apparently your random selection is a book on religious art, which hey, cool beans, after interacting with Mr. Makara A and Mr. Makara B, you are hella curious about what is even going on with troll religion. You go ahead and tell Horuss to just dive right into the middle of things (because you want to be sure you get to the _good_ stuff), and after a few (more) false starts, the two of you get going.

                You’re patient, because ‘teach me about art’ is a crazy broad demand to make of someone, plus oops, you appear to have picked a book from the middle of a multi-volume series. But you nod along while he’s stumbling a bit, getting into the rhythm of things, but then he finds his footing and whoosh, there we go, it is time for you to get an _education_.

                “Ecclesiastical art is of course distinct from the broader trends in art found across society as a whole. The insular and caste-specific nature of the church, and the fact that their art had a STRONG focus on religious tradition meant that it was slow to change. And of course, as an institution dominated almost exclusively by those of purple blood, the writing, art, and music was of a most noble nature.”

                You’re a _little_ distracted by the extremely naked furry dude staring up at you from the book, but you can’t help noticing that the colors in the picture look a little odd. “Is that painted with…?”

                “Blood? Yes. With the addition of certain pigments to lighten or darken the paint to allow for some variance of shade. All trolls were expected to make regular voluntary contributions—and of course, failure to make those donations would indicate that a troll appeared unfit in some way, and mark them out for appropriate corrective culling. There is—It is expected, it is painted with the _intention_ that any troll, in viewing religious murals, should recognize that they themselves may be in part responsible for that work of art.”

                “Huh.” You lean in and look closer. Pretty hardcore, painting _anything_ outta blood, and apparently troll religious art means painting piles of (super nude) furries. _Awesome_. “So did they slap some kinda top coat on? Or is troll blood just crazy durable?”

                “Oh, no. Even simple reproductions like these are extremely valuable. In the religious tradition, the original artwork is left entirely untreated to fade and be painted over again with fresh donations.” He ducks his head. “I pride myself having several very rare reproductions in my collection that feature tyrian.”

                “Daaaaaang, dude! Any of those in here? I know I like my musclebeasts done up in grade-A royal blood.”

                “Indeed, allow me—” You lean back and watch as Horuss flips through the book. And dang, you knew this was what you were signing up for, but on some level you hadn’t been prepared for the sheer number of naked furries that it was possible to collect in one place. After a minute he adds, “Although some of the detail of form is often lost, due to the choice of medium, I do find that the symbolic focus on color and caste adds its own beauty to the work.”

                You’re a little confused, because what symbolic focus? You know precisely jack about art, but hey, what’s this? You came here specifically to learn about art things? So you ask! You ask him every question that pops into your head, and he answers them all, every single one, and you are learning the _hell_ out of things you never even knew you were interested in. You had no idea there was so much math in art, and this color theory stuff has you super intrigued, plus there’s all the symbolism stuff on top of that! He has an entire _library_ to teach you from, but the two of you are still on that first book (and have killed like three of the tea kettles) by the time you get a message from Jake asking where you are. And you look at the time. Oh balls, you totally had dinner plans, and you are going to be _so late_.

                You apologize like hell to Horuss, because you feel like such a douche cutting him off and ditching like this. But he’s apologizing back at the same time, saying junk like that he’s ashamed he covered so little material, and that he’s deeply sorry he didn’t address anything outside the ecclesiastical tradition, and on in that vein. Which, um, what? He did a fantastic job and has nothing to apologize for! Troll culture is so strange and you have pretty much no idea what’s up with anything, so having someone to talk about stuff in so much detail and answer all your dumb questions is basically the _best_.

                Before you leave, you do your best to tell him that he did awesome and you had a great time. And you know, what the hell. You go right ahead and ask him if he’d mind teaching you more next weekend! He looks actually _pleased_ at the idea, and it’s pretty much the most emotion you’ve ever seen out of him. Fucking _win_. You’re so distracted you just about walk out his front door still wearing his blanket. And when you backpedal to give it back and apologize some more, he tells you to please keep it. Oh man, you feel like you’re ripping the dude off something fierce, but _score_. This thing is so gorgeous and soft and you wear it all the way to Jake’s.

                Jake and Jane seem mostly just seem confused about why you’d be hanging out with Horuss, and Dirk gives you a _look_ and raises an eyebrow over his glasses, but thhbbbbppppt, they’re not the ones who just learned all kinds of crazy art shit, and they’re _definitely_ not the ones who just landed this kickass handmade blanket. Plus you’re the one who’s totally making progress on the whole ‘new friend’ front, so yeah, you’re pretty sure this whole evening is a win (except for being late to dinner, you still feel bad about that).

                And what’s this? Oh dearie me, you seem to have _completely_ forgotten to set a time with Horuss! Haha, it’s almost like you’re a majorly sneaky lady who’s trying to see whether _he’ll_ initiate something with you to sort it out. Tbh, you’re mostly expecting him not to push it, and you’ll just figure it out sometime later, but! On Monday, what is this you spy? A blinking little chat notification? Why you wonder who that might possibly be!

 

\--caprioleTenebrific [CT] began trolling tipsyGnosalgtic [TG]\--

 

CT: 8=D < Pardon me.  
CT: 8=D < But I must ask when e%actly you desire to meet for your sch001feeding this weekend.  
CT: 8=D < My presumption in assuming I could intuit your desires is unforgivable.  
TG: horuss!  
TG: i am all about that schoolfeeding like whoa  
TG: nothing but musclebeasts as far as the eye can see  
TG: idk on timing what works for you?  
TG: got any STRONG preferences u havent told me about?  
CT: 8=D < I.  
CT: 8=D < Not.  
CT: 8=D < My preference would be to defer to your judgment in these matters.

 

                Heh. You weren’t really expecting anything else at this point, but it’s chill! You can take the lead, though wow you seem to be developing this _massive unshakeable urge_ to get him to have an opinion for once. Kinda makes you feel like you’re just bulldozing over whatever it is he wants, which sucks, but you’re _giving_ him the chances to say his piece, he just doesn’t do it. He has opinions about art, so you’re pretty sure that somewhere in there he has opinions about real life. And wow, would you look at that, more communication than the two of you have had online in the whole last month!

 

TG: hmm well if ur feeling flexible  
TG: (wink wonk)  
TG: think we could start our thing earlier??  
TG: i was all into the art and i felt super bad having 2 ditch like that  
CT: 8=D < Of course.  
CT: 8=D < I believe I can foalfill those conditions.  
CT: 8=D < When do you wish me to be prepared for your arrival?  
CT: 8=D < Any time from midnight onward will be more than a%eptable  
TG: i  
TG: dang son, but by earlier i meant like sometime actually during the day?  
TG: its all sweet n shit that ur willing to do that but im still gonna be way asleep at that point  
CT: 8=D < Oh, f*dge.  
CT: 8=D < I did not mean to impose.  
TG: no no dont even worry about it, bro  
TG: umm lemme think  
TG: i am like a totally different person when im just waking up and that roxy does NOT understand the meaning of the word urgency  
TG: so if i wake up at 8 maybe id get to ur place around 10?  
TG: that work for you?  
CT: 8=D < Certainly.  
CT: 8=D < I will endeavor to make all proper preparations.  
CT: 8=D < What do you wish me to discuss for this weekend’s sch001feeds?  
TG: more of the same?  
TG: oh wait how about wrapping up religious business and moving onto some of the other stuff?  
TG: you were all comparing them but ive never actually seen the other art so i was super lost there  
CT: 8=D < Oh dear.  
CT: 8=D < My STRONGEST apologies.  
CT: 8=D < I should have had greater concern for the quality of the lessons.  
TG: haha noooo dont you even worry about it!!  
TG: i like bouncing around all over the place so yesterday was awesome  
TG: itd just be cool to fill in some context too  
TG: so we’re definitely good for this weekend then?  
CT: 8=D < Indeed.

 

\--caprioleTenebrific [CT] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]\--

 

                Oh. You were kinda hoping for, you know. Some actual conversation? But he seems to take that as the end of the chat, bleh. But hey, it’s more online talk than you’ve had out of him… ever? Haha, and after yesterday, you _know_ you can get him talking if you poke him the right way, so it’s just a matter of getting to know him a bit better! Probably the most work you’ve ever had to do to get a friendship off the ground, yeah, but you are determined to _figure this shit out_. Plus, how many friends do you have to talk about naked, delightfully-muscled furry dudes with? Okay, Equius would totally go for it. And probably Jade. But the _point_ is that you’re enjoying yourself, you think Horuss is having fun too, and those are the only two things that really matter, yeah?

                And! Horuss shows up on Wednesday when people meet up at Meenah’s for movie night, so _bam_ , you’ve scored another person to hit up while you make the social rounds! You can’t help noticing that while you’re not sure he ever stops being super uptight, he seemed a lot more open when it was just the two of you hanging out. Even after the movie’s done and people are just all sitting around talking together, he doesn’t budge from his spot in the corner, not even when you catch his eye (you think? Friggin’ goggles, man) and wave. He does shift over to make room for you when you come to see him one-on-one, so there is that.

                He doesn’t have much to say, but at least it doesn’t feel like he’s trying to cut the conversation off. You still can’t figure out quite what his deal is, because he comes to all these things and never participates? Or he participates when someone else starts it but never on his own? Not gonna lie, you sorta hope the two of you get super close so you’re allowed to be rude and ask him what the heck is going on. You don’t mind, but man are you getting _intensely_ curious. It’s more of the same when people meet up to drink (or not-drink, in your case) on Friday, and the whole time he keeps his butt planted in his chair right next to the bar wall. You think he’s probably liking your company, though? You have trouble shaking the nagging feeling that he’s just humoring you and you are the biggest pest, but. Hmm. It’s difficult to describe, but he’s not _unfriendly_ , just hard to approach. It’s tricky! You kind of want to ask Nepeta or someone for help on how to interpret the various Zahhak levels of not-emoting, but also this is a puzzle you’re determined to solve _yourself_. And then it’s the weekend and it’s time for some more hardcore art education!

                You’d been planning to bring some cookies or something along as a thank you for all the schoolfeeds and the tea and the awesome handmade blanket, but your Saturday night baking adventure… did not go according to plan. The cookies that came out of your oven are _technically_ edible, but that’s the best thing you can say about them. Ugh. Maybe if these weekend get-togethers keep happening, you can try actually planning _ahead_ , see how that works.

                This time, you’re braced for the ridiculous amounts of naked furry décor (you even spot an honest-to-god _marble statue_ in a corner). You’re unsurprised by the many, many teapots littering the coffee table! You’re even ready for the number of books stacked carefully on the floor next to the couch! But the one thing that does surprise you is that each of the (eleven? twelve?) teapots on the table is sitting on its own little potholder. When you lift up the pots to check that shit out, ohhhh wow, these are _cute_.

                By now you are _pretty sure_ you already know the answer, but you have to ask. “You made these?”

                He nods. “After you so STRONGLY criticized my treatment of my furniture, I realized it was disrespectfoal in the extreme for me not to immediately correct myself.”

                Aww, you didn’t mean for him to think you were _angry_ or anything! But it does make you happy that the pretty table isn’t getting wrecked by totally preventable things. “This is… quilting?”

                “It was an excellent opportunity to practice my technique. I hope these meet with your approval.”

                “Wow, hell yeah they do! I wish I knew how to do this all, you’re over here all like a crazy crafting wizard or something, and I’m just chilling in my apartment hoping I don’t manage to burn the place down when I try to bake.”

                Man, these are _awesome_ potholders. You almost wish you were shameless enough to ask whether he has any of ‘inferior craftsmanship, blah blah’ that he doesn’t want that you can steal and hoard like a craft-collecting dragon. They’re all made of the same couple of blue and pink fabrics, but each one is pieced together in all sorts of different, cool ways. And then for the quilting, WOW, did he really do this by hand? A couple of them look like an embellished version of his sign, and a few seem more abstract, but aww, omg, is this one the cat from the shirt you wore last week?? It totally is. That is _the most adorable thing!_

                You’re almost settled when Horuss breaks out the breakfast food. _Oh man_. There’s a whole sidebar that he just loads up with platters of troll and human foods and tells you to help yourself to whatever you desire (and that he hopes you are not upset by his presumption, etc., etc.). These schoolfeeds are officially the best thing ever, not even a contest, there are all the most delicious things here, and he just watches anxiously while you fill up a plate, like he thinks you’re going to be angry that he’s giving you free food? Haha, _nope_ , you put as much food on your plate as will reasonably fit, and make your way over to the couch. Once you’re settled in (and he asks if you’d care for a blanket again, which _yes please_ ), he starts talking art.

                Tbh, you think this stuff is a little easier to understand than the religious stuff was. Horuss starts waaaaaaay in the past, even back as far as the troll version of the stone age. Hahaha, you said you wanted context, and it looks like that’s what you’re getting!! Cave trolls didn’t paint furries (even though that would have been totally awesome, ngl), but while he jumps ahead a couple millennia at a time, you can see how part of the art tradition went off in a naked, heavily-muscled direction. He also tells you that this is book one in the same series where you’d apparently selected… book thirteen? Whoops. To be honest, this stuff isn’t quite as exciting as the things you’d been learning last week, but you’re also understanding a whole lot more, so this is probably for the best!

                And this part of art history goes pretty fast, and it’s really not all that long before you two are talking schools and styles. Well, mostly Horuss is talking and you’re asking silly questions. But you’re absorbing a _lot_ of information! It’s really interesting, because there’s definitely a lot of art of gorgeous naked _trolls_ in here before there’s even a single furry, and you kind of don’t get how point A led to point B. Especially when these old-timey high art trolls all have their naughty bits tastefully hidden, and with the furries? Yeah, definitely _not_ the case!

                When you ask about it, Horuss tells you, “The overarching goal of this art has always been the expression of nobility of mind, of spirit, through the visual medium of perfection in purely physical form. But, ah.” He clears his throat. “Beyond a, a _certain_ point, it was impossible to go further without verging on the, the lewd, the unforgivably pornographic.” He flips forward through the book, and it’s off into the land of naked furries that you have come to know so well. “In the musclebeast, it became possible to idealize that form further— Beyond the reaches of what is physically attainable, of course, but to express that pinnacle of beauty and nobility in its purest form, without the distraction of the pornographic—”

                It’s kind of hypnotic the way his fingers brush across the pictures as he leafs through the pages. You could probably watch it for ages. But—um. You think there may be an important cultural disconnect here. Because… _not_ pornographic?

                “Hold up there.” Horuss freezes with his fingers right over some choice erect dick and it’s not the time to laugh (maybe you snicker a little in your head), but you’re… not wrong, are you? This art is dicks, dicks, dicks as far as the eye can see. “Just to be clear now, you’re saying that this right here _isn’t_ lewd?”

                He stiffens. “Indeed not. To draw a bulge or nook on a musclebeast, it, it would. It would be _highly_ improper.”

                “’Cause I’m just saying it seems a little weird to say that naughty bits are no good… and then to draw a lot of naughty bits? Why is it okay some of the time?”

                “The, the— This art resides in the realm of the physically impossible, the phallus is an idealization, drawn to represent strength of will, of spirit— If it were anything approaching reality, all symbolic meaning would be lost, and the piece would become unforgivably lewd.”

                You’re watching him pretty dang close, and you think he’s being entirely serious? “So it’s fine because these things aren’t real?”

                “Precisely.”

                “Because, I’m pretty sure this picture right here is a one hundred percent accurate drawing of human naughty bits.”

                He freezes absolutely still. You don’t know what to say, because you thought you were taking a swan dive into a magical land of smut, but he actually had no idea he was _showing_ you smut? And goddamn, it’s so hard to tell anything that’s happening behind that headgear, but you’re _pretty frigging sure_ his eyes are drifting from your face on downward. Ngl, you can’t even be a little outraged or embarrassed because you can’t pull your eyes from his lap, you’re too busy wondering what the hell trolls are _packing_ if a dong falls in the realm of unattainable fantasy.

                Horuss clears his throat. “So you…?”

                You jump and laugh and oh god that sounds so forced and fake (even though this is objectively hilarious) and you’re pretty sure you’re blushing like hell— “Oh! Not me, um, personally? Sexual dimorphism and. You know. But like. Half of humans, I guess?”

                Oh nooo haha he looks even more shocked and maybe a little horrified and it just kind of slips out, “Then what do you—” You’re pretty sure he didn’t mean to say that at all, considering how hard he clamps down on it. He’s totally blushing so hard you can see it even against his grey skin, but you can’t judge because your whole face is just _burning_.

                And oh god, you can’t stop thinking about troll junk the whole rest of the day. You think Horuss is just as distracted, even after the two of you have eaten lunch, downed a _ridiculous_ amount of tea, and gotten back into the swing of Very Serious Business High Art. You’re looking at all these dongs and Horuss is looking at all these dongs, and neither of you knows what’s in the other one’s pants but now it’s _all you can think about_. It’s so, so hilarious and awkward and hilariously awkward and neither one of you can reaaaaally meet the other one’s eyes (and you are on the verge of just cracking up for the whole entire rest of the day).

                You still make plans to see him next week! Because you have the troll cultural context for this art now, which is good, but you also have this newfound _interspecies_ context for piles and piles of furry porn, and this is so interesting you couldn’t quit if you tried. This week you keep an eye on the time and make a point of helping him clean up before you have to leave, because you still feel like a douche for ditching him like you did last week.

                You can’t help admiring the potholders again while you’re stacking them up to be put away, and ohhhhh, Horuss tells you that you can _have_ them. You try to protest, you really do! You feel like the biggest mooch in the history of mooching, but he insists. He insists really hard, actually! It’s weird, because you’re way more used to him refusing to have opinions or preferences, but he legit _argues_ with you when you tell him they’re too awesome to just give away like that. He points out a million flaws (that you can’t even see) and tells you that he’ll make better ones by next weekend.

                You’re super grateful and a bit… embarrassed? You’re pretty sure you don’t deserve all these awesome presents, even though you love them to pieces, and it feels a _lot_ like you’re taking advantage of Horuss by letting him give all these things to you, even when he’s so insistent that he’d like you to have them. To cover up how you don’t know how to react, you tease him a little that if they’re so flawed, why is he giving them as gifts? But then, oh balls, then you feel like the douchelord of doucheland when he just like, pulls back into himself and starts apologizing for his presumption.

                You wind up taking like fifteen minutes to explain that the only way you’d ever actually tease about there being mistakes is if you _couldn’t see any mistakes_ , and that you’d _never_ give someone shit for that and actually mean it. And that in summary, you are so totally blown away by the quality of the present he is just giving you that it just seemed so funny he’d even think they were anything less than awesome. Basically you are super grateful and think these are the best potholders you’ve ever seen and it’s crazy to think he’ll somehow have _better_ ones by next week. You think by the end you’ve got him back to being happy (content? not-unhappy???) Horuss, but you make sure to thank him one more time as you’re heading out the door.

                You keep the potholders safely tucked in your sylladex all the way through dinner with Dirk and everyone, but then, aaaaah, you can’t resist pulling them out to show them off!! They’re the cutest little things and it makes you want to learn to actually use your kitchen so you have an excuse to use them. Everyone thinks they’re awesome, but Dirk is doing a thing with his eyebrow at you, so you ignore him because he’s a _butt_ and talk to Jane and Jake instead. And yeah, they still think it’s super weird that you’ve hung out with Horuss, not once, but multiple times. And they think it’s more weird once you start talking Beforan art history and troll nudes versus furry nudes, but Jane likes being shocked more than she admits and Jake thinks it’s all hilarious, and Dirk is probably getting more unironic enjoyment from the conversation than anyone else.

                After you get home, you shoot one quick message to Horuss since your chat client says he’s online. Why not, right?

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began trolling  centaursTesticle [CT] \--

 

TG: so eff why eye basically everyone ever is in agreement that ur potholders are awesome as heck  
TG: just in case that was keeping you up all night I have taken some v official surveys  
TG: reports are in, it has been scientifically proven that u are a master potholder craftsman (also blankets you are a master of the art of blanketry too)

 

\--caprioleTenebrific [CT] is an idle chum!--

 

                Oh well. You weren’t really expecting a reply. But it’s a silly message for him to find sometime, and you’re still trying to see if there’s something you can do to unwind him a little. Haha, that makes it sound like you have a strategy, but basically all you do is be ridiculous and friendly with people and it seems to work out for you? You really wish you could tell if it’s working here or if you’re just being an ass, but dude keeps himself locked down soooo tight. Just for kicks, you send Nepeta a message that you’re pretty sure all Zahhaks are hatched without emotion glands, and she jokes about Equius with you until you’re tired enough you can’t focus on the screen.

                You wake up the next morning thinking _TROLL JUNK_. You cannot believe you forgot about that, omg. This shiny new universe comes with three times the porn variety (more if you count interspecies!), but your unfortunate first venture into the world of online smut happened to be a carapacian porn video. Fun things to never ever ever look up: _traumatic insemination kink._ Yeah, _wow_. You are not sure those emotional scars will ever heal. You don’t blame yourself for treading cautiously around internet porn after that, but it is a horrible oversight you never thought to look up what trolls are packing in their pants! You grew up with the remains of the human internet to play with, so even without any irl experience, you are plenty familiar with human bits. But trolls! There has been a non-traumatic-insemination (hopefully) version of alien junk available for your browsing pleasure this whole time, and you haven’t taken advantage of it??

                You have to say that it is one informative morning. _Dang_. All things considered, you guess it’s not _that_ weird? For all you knew, they might have been, idk, eating each other… with their junk? You don’t know, it’s _aliens_. Anyways! Basically, all trolls seem to come with a bulge and nook combo pack, where a bulge is sorrrrrta like a dick and a nook is sorrrrrta like a pussy, but not quite. Definitely they’re similar enough that the whole fuss over ‘this is porn, but _this_ is art’ seems awfully dang silly. The word ‘prehensile’ comes up more than once, and um, _damn_ , you kinda don’t know why anyone would care so much about plain old dicks when they have a movable tentacle attached to their crotch.

                Not gonna lie, the informational sites are all well and good, but… mostly you just seem to have ignited a burning desire to see these bits in action!! Here goes your second expedition into the world of online interspecies porn. Now with zero percent carapacians. There’s a lot of troll porn out there, like _wow_. It makes sense that with four flavors of romance itch to scratch, they’d put out extra amounts of porn to meet demand! And you get sidetracked, because first you’re wondering what pale and ashen smut even looks like. And then you stay sidetracked watching those videos, because they’re strangely addictive. You wouldn’t think that like, watching a troll give someone else a bath could be so hypnotic, but there’s something about the way they film the water and the little looks and touches between the two women in the video, and you just can’t look away! Same goes for the ashen video, just some guy breaking up an argument, sounds boring as heck, but the people making this sure knew what they were doing. And the trolls in these videos are _purring_ , omg, you’d heard that was a thing that happened, but you’ve never gotten to _see_ it! That’s supposed to be all super-duper-private and shit (so realistically it’s probably dubbed into the videos, bleh), and wow, that is basically the most adorable alien quirk that anyone has ever thought of.

                Oh, but porn! The sex porn, not the emotion porn. WOW. Tentadicks are a gift sent from heaven, and nobody will ever convince you otherwise. You are basically crying over here that you’ve wasted months of your life ignoring troll porn! Tentacle porn is a thing you are acquainted with. You and Dirk have exchanged more than your fair share of shitty hentai videos, and you have delved deep into the world of weird online erotic fiction. Even in your wildest dreams, you never though tentacle sex was ever ever going to be a thing, not even with years of very aggressive bioengineering. Turns out that the secret of tentacle sex is _right there_ inside the pants of an alien species. Boy do you feel silly!!

                Hahaha, okay, you’re getting a bit carried away. It’s just one singular tentacle, but man, you feel a mighty need! Ngl, you’re getting pretty darn hot under the collar just watching these videos go by. Trolls don’t seem to do so much with the bulge-in-nook deal (internet says nooks are for material retention for giving to drones), but that leaves you with a _lot_ of video of brightly-colored tentacles twisting around each other, curling into people’s hands, sliding against grey skin. There’s troll jizz (genetic material?) _everywhere._ It’s um. Well. Honestly you weren’t intending to get off when you went looking for these! You were just curious about basic alien anatomy. But, you know, as long as you’re here…

                You’re feeling pretty impatient already, but you take the time to find some troll-human porn, because hmmm somehow you have become incredibly interested in seeing how someone with your bits deals with a bulge!! It’s. Mm. You have nothing to complain about here. Most of the time, seeing super-close shots of ‘insert tab A into slot B’ does jack squat for you. On the other hand, it adds a _whole new dimension_ when you can see the texture on the troll lady’s bulge while it slides against the other actress’s clit. Oh my god. You need to see if you can buy some troll sex toys, like _yesterday_. There’s bright blue genetic material smeared all over the place in no time at all, and the actresses are all tucked in close to each other when the video finally gets to the bulge-in-vag action. Your hands are down your pants, and you could probably finish in a heartbeat, but you’re trying so hard to last until the end of the clip. You manage—barely. For once you are all about that money shot, and you come hard right when the human actress does, with blue material spilling out of her and onto the sheets.

                Okay. Wow. Yes, this is a thing that needs to be in your life. You have like, thirty tabs open with other porn clips that looked interesting, but you are feeling way too tired and comfortable right now to try for another round. Instead you make a new bookmarks folder just for porn clips to watch and start bookmarking away. And keep bookmarking. And whoops, where did your whole morning just go? Well, hahaha, at least your curiosity has been well and truly sated! You wonder if Horuss has been doing any similar research, but since he’s already so familiar with the whole musclebeast deal, does he really even have anything he needs to look up? Ohhhh, but all he knows about is dicks, that’s right. You guess a pussy’s kinda almost like a nook, but oops, if he gets into period stuff or pregnancy, dude might not be having as much fun with his research as you are. As an afterthought, you order some tentacle-shaped toys online, but you’re pretty sure it’d be much more satisfying to have an actual bulge at your disposal. _Le sigh._

                The week is a repeat of the last! Horuss is at all the social events, and by that you mean one hundred percent attendance, zero percent participation. You sit with him a bit here and there, say a few words together, but it’s. Still like last week, where it kind of feels like you’re not wanted and he just wants you to stop bugging him. But maybe not? It’s so impossible to tell, and this sounds weird, but it feels like you’re getting clear signals… but not necessarily that he’s sending them? He still seems to perk up when you come talk to him, but you finish those mini-conversations feeling like you’re being a pest and he wants you to go away. It’s a lot frustrating, and by the time you leave game night at Karkat’s on Thursday, you realize that maybe your feelings are kind of hurt.

                You open a chat window with Nepeta but can’t think of what to say, because Equius and Horuss _aren’t_ the same person, and you send a few not-quite-coherent, irritated messages to Feferi before backpedaling and telling her that actually, nevermind, it’s not her responsibility to sort out your shit. She still writes back that okay, but remember if you do decide you want to talk to her, she’s )(--ER----E! And a few hours after that, Nepeta shoots you a message that Feferi didn’t say what was up, but if you want to talk she’s always up for it. It’s not a solution, but it helps, you know?

                You’re still flipping the issue back and forth in your head come Friday night, when like twenty of you end up crammed into a too-small, too-noisy dive bar. You’re laughing while John and Karkat argue across the table from you, because even if you can barely hear what’s going on, the body language alone is frigging _hilarious_. Horuss is sitting in the chair right behind yours, and this place has tables packed tight enough together that if you leaned back you’d probably bonk him on the head.

                Ngl, the temptation to plain ask him if he hates you is _overwhelming._ Also silly. Because if he hated you, he wouldn’t have given you handmade blankets and potholders and spent hours teaching you about art. Of course, there is also the problem of how you would have to get right in his ear and shout at the top of your lungs before he’d have any chance of hearing you, and then there’s the whole problem of you hearing his reply. Ugh, this place is way too loud.

                Well! You are a resourceful lady with a pile of awesome gadgets at your disposal. You get out your phone and message him. Okay, you don’t message him asking whether he _hates_ you, you do have at least some concept of Roxy-that’s-too-pushy-you-need-to-stop. But he’s here, you’re here, neither of you is talking to anyone else, and why not, yeah?

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began trolling  caprioleTenebrific [CT] \--

 

TG: yo hello there what is up my friend and how are u doing on this fine evening?

 

                You’d like to imagine that you can feel the buzz of his phone going off, but let’s be real, in a bar this noisy that plain ain’t happening. What you do is wait like thirty seconds and turn half around to poke him in the shoulder, wave your phone, point at him, and grin. You are the best mime, it is you. It works, though! He pulls out his phone and aww yiss, he’s not going to brush you off, you think? But it still takes him a minute to respond and aghhh you’re rude but you can’t help it you just have to add—

 

TG: i am scorned by your cold indifference!!!  
TG: *le sob*  
CT: 8=D < Hello.  
CT: 8=D < Oh  
CT: 8=D < Oh dear.  
CT: 8=D < A thousand of my STRONGEST apologies.  
CT: 8=D < I beg you will pardon my unforgiveable rudeness in neglecting to answer you in a timely manner.

 

                You’re trying to get a sense of how he feels just from two of you sitting back to back (because Jake has just crashed into the seat next to you to wade into the John-Karkat argument and you literally _cannot_ turn around anymore). He seems tense and stiff—But he literally always feels tense and stiff, this is not new information.

 

TG: noooo no no friend im just playing!!  
TG: that was plenty timely im not gonna get actually mad over something like that  
TG: you are a v timely person and you have answered me in a way that is STRONGLY acceptable  
TG: haha wait that one doesnt even make sense im gonna have to try again  
CT: 8=D < Ah.  
CT: 8=D < I am glad I have not given you offense.  
TG: ngl im pretty darn hard to offend!!  
TG: im trying to think of ways to get on my perma-bad side and tbh im kinda drawing a blank  
TG: so  
TG: how are you enjoying the evening my good sir???  
CT: 8=D < This evening has proved a%eptable.  
TG: :(  
TG: just acceptable??  
CT: 8=D < Is that not an appropriate response?  
TG: well  
TG: its kinda weak isnt it?  
TG: cause its not a good night, just an acceptable night  
TG: sorta got the connotation that maybe u werent hit by a sudden tragedy or anything but still cant think of anything actually NICE thatd trip it into actually GOOD territory  
CT: 8=D < I  
CT: 8=D < I was unaware of the implications of my words.  
CT: 8=D < I am most gratefoal to be corrected.  
TG: hey whoa you can say its acceptable if you want!!  
TG: that is 100% a legit way to describe things if thats how u feel  
TG: hmm i guess what im looking for is more detail?  
TG: STRONG detail!!  
TG: (i know that one makes even less sense just roll with it dont leave me hanging)  
CT: 8=D < Ah.  
CT: 8=D < I see.  
CT: 8=D < The company present is the company I choose to place myself in, so I believe I must have no complaints.  
CT: 8=D < I  
CT: 8=D < Do feel we might be better accommodated in a larger establishment.  
TG: mmm yeah i feel you there  
TG: omg i bet u cant hear but jake just totally said we’re packed ass to elbows i think that is PRETTY DANG ACCURATE

 

                Should you push? Aggh. Probably you shouldn't, but you just can’t _help_ yourself.

 

TG: were p close to your place, aren’t we??  
TG: u know if people try to go here again, id be totally up for it if you wanted to suggest somewhere bigger  
TG: this is fun but id be lying if i said it was comfortable :PPPPP  
CT: 8=D < Oh no  
CT: 8=D < I couldn’t presume to direct  
CT: 8=D < I am quite satisfied to acquiesce to those with STRONGER preferences.

 

                Yeahhh, that's about what you expected. Oh well, at least you tried, and nothing bad came of it! You lean back and bonk your head between his shoulderblades. He jumps and you wish you could actually see how he’d reacted, but you can’t help laughing a bit anyways.

 

TG: hahaha you dont hafta worry about it!!  
TG: you can stay quiet if u want its all chill  
CT: 8=D < And  
CT: 8=D < Are you also having an a%eptable evening?

 

                WHOA. Initiative? God _damn_ , that’s so far out of left field you almost don’t know what to do with it! Get your head in the game, girl, the conversational ball is now in your court!

 

TG: yeah!!!!

 

                (Oh yeah, that’s real articulate, good job)

 

TG: its super noisy and packed but that can be kinda fun for a while?  
TG: especially if you know you get to wind down and chill later  
TG: i wish it was quiet enough to actually TALK to anyone but thats all ive got for complaints  
TG: and im p much always up for spending time with friends so this night is a win  
CT: 8=D < I see.  
TG: do you like spending time with friends too?? or do u just like getting out and about?  
CT: 8=D < I do make an effort to spend time in company with my acquaintances.  
CT: 8=D < I find it preferable to sustained solitude.  
TG: aw sounds like you know all about the suckage of that sustained solitude :((((  
TG: i feel u there, bro  
TG: but dang hahahaha im all sitting here talking about hanging w/ friends  
TG: (and im all talking to you, HEAVILY IMPLYING you fall in that category, wink wonk wonk)  
TG: and youre just like ‘…acquaintances’  
TG: do i not count as your friend?  
TG: *runs sobbing off into the distance*  
TG: (this is MORE TEASING just fyi beating yourself up over silly word choices is not allowed!!)

 

                Agghhhh you’re accelerating towards douche territory being this pushy, but also you actually do want to know??? In a lot of ways, this has been getting intensely frustrating and _you want to know_. It feels like he’s your friend, but you’re honest-to-god not sure if you’re _his_ friend, and the not-knowing is killing you. And you absolutely cannot manage to figure out how he thinks. So there! The question is out there in public, you hit send before your better judgment could catch up, and you’ve _told_ him you’re just joking around so he doesn’t have to start trash talking himself. You’re only a little bit of a jerk.

 

CT: 8=D < Oh  
CT: 8=D < I  
CT: 8=D < My deepest apologies.  
CT: 8=D < I foaled to consider the implications of my wording.  
TG: whoa there  
TG: this sounds like some of this ‘beating yourself up’ that i just said was no good  
CT: 8=D < If, ah  
CT: 8=D < If you will forgive my presumption.  
CT: 8=D < I certainly consider you one of my friends.  
CT: 8=D < And I am deeply gratified by the implication that you consider me one in turn.

 

                Oh. Oh!!! Oh gosh, he is impressively awkward (which is good because you are _also_ impressively awkward), but that’s also super precious? And awwww yes, you have scored one (1) friendship affirmation! That ugly little voice in the back of your head telling you to go away can just shut up now, because this dude is _deeply gratified_ you think he’s your friend. You realize you’re grinning at your phone like a doofus and jump and look to see if Dirk noticed, but no, he’s a few seats down the table talking to Nepeta as she pretty much climbs on top of Equius’s head. Haha, that’s adorable. Ah, but wait, it’s your turn to say something and you totally got distracted, ummm think fast—

 

TG: so you do know your little icon thingy looks like a dong, right?

 

                Oh god. You are the most awkward person, it is you. Haha, _oops._ But! This is your furry porn friend, he is officially filling that slot (slash sharing it with Jade and Equius), and if two furry porn friends can’t talk dicks at each other, then what is this world coming to? You can roll with this, just play it cool.

 

TG: i ask because i guess we were on different wavelengths about the art stuff  
TG: so id been assuming this was intentionally a dick like  
TG: u know  
TG: doing its thang  
TG: but maybe i was wrong the whole time so i just wanted to double check??  
CT: 8=D < This?  
CT: 8=D < This is my face.  
CT: 8=D < These are my eyes and my nose and my mouth.  
CT: 8=D < With sweat falling from my chin.  
TG: huh  
TG: yeah actually u kno what i guess I can see it!  
TG: thats a cool way to do the goggles deal  
TG: (even… c001????)  
TG: and awwwwww lookit that ur little mouth is grinning!!!  
CT: 8=D < Yes, I have not managed to constantly sustain the correct expression of joy in public.  
CT: 8=D < But I still strive to display only the STRONGEST positive emotions online.  
TG: ??????  
CT: 8=D < I have foaled to push myself into smiling as often as is proper.  
CT: 8=D < When I sh001d be attempting to suppress all negative emotion through sheer STRENGTH of will.  
TG: whoa buddy  
TG: this is a matter of opinion i guess but who the heck told you that?  
TG: cant be healthy to be shoving down what ur really feeling and only be acting ‘‘‘‘proper’’’’  
CT: 8=D < This is advice given to me by Meulin in the early stages of our brief moirallegiance.  
CT: 8=D < Despite the termination of that relationship, I still deeply appreciate her attempts to help me better myself.  
TG: umm i think meulin is def a sweetie pie, but ive gotta say that advice seems rly off to me :(  
CT: 8=D < Are you ordering me to cease?  
TG: im kinda not sure i wanna lay down any orders on someone else?  
TG: i guess you can just keep doing whatever u think is best  
TG: seems a little iffy to me but if thats what works for you, im not gonna say you CANT do it just cause  
CT: 8=D < I see.  
CT: 8=D < And this  
CT: 8=D < Appears similar to human genitals?  
TG: welllllllllll so if ur looking at a musclebeast, youve got the balls shaft and head right?  
TG: so 8 is dem balls, = is the shaft, and D is the head  
TG: and < is the jizz  
TG: im kinda feeling like a weirdo pervert over here reading sex into all of the everything ngl  
TG: but that is p much the EXACT way any human would choose to do a text version of a dick  
CT: 8=D < I confess I am having trouble seeing the resemblance.  
TG: well like imagine the lines all simplified like  
TG: and mentally glue that sucker onto a musclebeast crotch  
TG: kinda fits doesnt it?  
CT: 8=D < Oh  
CT: 8=D < Oh my.

 

                The rest of the night remains hella noisy and crowded, but you get some nice texting done with Horuss while hanging out with everyone else. He keeps his butt planted in his chair against the wall, even when you try to wave him over to this group or that, but he responds almost right away to every message you send him. He’s a funny guy! It works out, because you get to hang out with _everyone_ everyone, and you don’t feel like you’re being a brat and you get some conversation that doesn’t have to be shouted at the top of your lungs.

                You keep messaging back and forth pretty much until all of you pile out into the night to make your various ways home. You’d probably keep messaging while a couple of you walk the couple of blocks to the nearest subway stop, but it’s raining like whoa (and it is _freezing_ , you know it’s late-late fall, but when did things get so cold?) and you captchalogue your phone to keep it safe and dry. By the time you make it to the station, you are _soaking_ wet. Wow, you really aren’t looking forward to making the walk from your stop back to your apartment. The ride is just long enough for you to get shivery and damp, and then oops, it’s out into the pouring, ice-cold rain again and when you get home you are going to pack like five umbrellas into your sylladex and never take them out _ever_. You can’t believe you left for the evening with just a jacket.

                So basically, it’s your own damn fault when you wake up the next morning with a nasty case of the sniffles. Beating up on your poor immune system like that and parking your butt on a crowded subway car was maybe not the best way to take care of your health. You might as well have licked the handgrips while you were in there. Fine, whatever, you’re a big girl and you’ve dealt with colds before. But this gets worse and worse as the day goes on, and because you have the best luck, by the time evening swings around, you’ve got a nice cough. You go to bed early, because you might as well start taking care of yourself at _some_ point, right? And then you wake up at ten, coughing. And then you wake up at eleven. Coughing. You take some medicine and try _really really hard_ to sleep, buuuuut then you wake up _again_ at three. Coughing.

                You’re seriously tempted to throw something across your room from sheer frustration. If you had any roommates, they would have probably strangled you by now. No lie, _you_ kind of want to strangle you right now. You are well and truly familiar with staying up way too late, but for once, you _want_ to sleep and you absolutely can’t. And wow does your throat hurt. You pile up enough pillows to prop yourself upright and have a jolly old time trying to cough up your internal organs. This isn’t fair, you’re totally going to lose your voice, you’re getting a pounding headache, and it’s not like the coughing is even _doing_ anything.

                Once you start feeling a little less like you’re going to pass out from oxygen deprivation (not really but _man_ this sucks), you roll over far enough to grab your phone. You clearly aren’t going to fall asleep anytime soon, because fuck your life, but you really need a distraction from how much your throat hurts right now. Maybe Sollux will still be awake and willing to chat, or perhaps you can get Dave to rap at you. At least then you’d get to laugh. But aw man, the name at the top of your online contacts is caprioleTenebrific, and you hadn’t even realized how badly your plans for tomorrow (today) were fucked. And probably all your plans for the next few days. Awwwwww, you are gonna be so _bored_ until you get better.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began trolling caprioleTenebrific [CT]\--

 

TG: hey there bro what up??  
TG: omg its 3 amyou should totes be asleep right now  
TG: and on a v hypocritical note, here i am, live on the internet  
TG: to tell u that i think im not gonna be able to make it to the schoolfeeding tomorrow :(  
TG: i am as sick as somethign that is very sick  
TG: the plague is devouring my ability to come up w clever metaphors  
TG: but im p sure that making a trek across public transporttaion to get to ur place is the opposite of what i should be doing to get better  
TG: sorry x10000000 about that :(((((((((((((  
CT: 8=D < Hello.  
CT: 8=D < Oh dear.  
CT: 8=D < I am most sorry to hear that.  
CT: 8=D < I would not wish to impose upon you when you are feeling unwell.  
TG: nah tbh id be all over the schoolfeeding still  
TG: but like itd take me three times as long to get there  
TG: to allow for all the time spent bneding over and hacking my lungs out  
CT: 8=D < Then it may be best to stay at home.  
CT: 8=D < I believe lungs are critical to human survival.  
TG: ?????  
TG: oh haha  
TG: i was mostly exaggerating  
TG: it only FEELS like im coughign them up  
TG: u shld hear me it sounds like a dying seal  
TG: no yeahi d be on board w more art lessons but i rly dont think i could get myself over there  
CT: 8=D < I understand completely.

 

                Ugh, you want to keep the conversation going, but you are completely blanking on anything to say. Your head is _killing_ you and maybe if you could stop coughing for a minute or two you could fall asleep, but it sure looks like that ain’t happening anytime soon. You toss your phone to the side and try anyways. Or try to distract yourself. You’re so busy with coughing and sniffing and basically being a miserable wreck of a human that you can’t even have fun with some… _personal_ time. Even your new tentabulge toys aren’t fun enough to override the plain awful of being so sick and exhausted, and it doesn’t take you long to give up and go back to the computer.

Well, Mituna is online, and he’s basically the funnest person ever to talk to, and you barely have to do anything to hold up your end of the conversation, which is fantastic. You can just sit (and cough) and watch the words roll by. And a few minutes after you message him, Latula shoots you a few links to websites on how to not be culled for temporary illness. You’re pretty sure most troll remedies are somewhere between useless and fatal for humans, but aww, that’s sweet of her. Mituna’s funny enough to take a lot of the frustration out of not being able to sleep, and you guess eventually (you’re carefully not watching the clock), you must relax enough to finally pass out.

                When you wake up, your head doesn’t hurt, but your throat is _raw_. And your nose is still dripping like nobody’s business. You’re already feeling pretty sulky over what looks to be a long, long day of soul-crushing boredom, but hey, at least you have one or two little distractions. You’ve got a ton of messages piled up from Mituna, and you can’t help laughing a little bit as you scroll back through what you missed, even though making that much noise kills your throat. And you guess the gossip chains have been going strong, because you have messages from Rose, Jane, and Jake asking how you’re feeling. And Karkat! Aw, it’s so adorable how he cares so much about everything but thinks nobody can tell if he just acts angry enough. And oh! You actually have unread messages from _Horuss_.

 

\-- caprioleTenebrific [CT]  began trolling  tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \--

 

CT: 8=D < I w00ld not find it amiss if you wished me to bring the sch001feeding to your hive, as you do not feel up to making the trip yourself.  
CT: 8=D < If I am not imposing on you.  
CT: 8=D < I mean  
CT: 8=D < It is no hardship on me.  
CT: 8=D < I  
CT: 8=D < Oh f*ddlesticks

 

\--caprioleTenebrific [CT] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]\--

 

                Awwww, what a _sweetheart_! The message is timestamped five in the morning (when does that boy sleep???), and you’ve slept a bit past when you would normally have gone to his place, but maybe he’s still up for it? You do take a moment to take a good hard look at yourself before you reply. You’re already antsy as hell thinking about spending your whole day alone at home with nothing to do. And you can’t handle getting over to dinner with Jane, Jake, and Dirk like this, so it’s going to be at least until tomorrow before you see anyone, and ughhhhh whyyyy. If you had your way, your whole life would be packed with social engagements, this is already reminding you way too hard of before the game when other people only existed on the internet. Okay, you’re being a brat, because you’re pretty sure loads of your friends would visit if you asked. But, hey, a friend is asking! And Horuss totally volunteered all by himself, so you don’t even have to worry that you pressured him into it. And you know what, right now you _do_ want to look at ridiculously overblown furry porn and think about a culture where that’s legit high art.

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began trolling  caprioleTenebrific [CT] \--

 

TG: horuss!!!!  
TG: aaaah im so sorry for getting back to u so late  
TG: but absolutely YES if its not too much trouble id love to have you come over!!  
CT: 8=D < My apologies for failing to make the suggestion in a timely manner when we were speaking beforehand.  
CT: 8=D < I w001d be pleased to come over to your hive as soon as you wish me to.  
TG: aw yiss thank you so much!  
TG: u have no idea how bad I am at dealing w boredom  
TG: umm i guess anytime works for me im not doing anything but sitting in bed and being hella lazy  
TG: fair warning im spending p much all my free time coughing and blowing my nose  
TG: just fyi so u know what youre getting into over here  
TG: also i just tried talking and if i try to go louder than a whisper shit gets HILARIOUS  
TG: but yes!!!  
TG: if this all sounds good to u im still up for it!  
CT: 8=D < I shall collect my materials and make my way to your hive forthwith.  
CT: 8=D < Though, ah  
CT: 8=D < Which material w001d you like me to discuss today?

 

                Oh balls. It’s too early for tricky questions like this. Maaaybe you should have waited to initiate conversation until you were one hundred percent awake. Umm, let’s see, open-ended is no good or he’ll just shut down, or, uh. God, you don’t know enough about this stuff to make decisions. Thinking is no good when you’re still this sleepy.

 

TG: how bout u just tell me which stuff is your favorite and why?  
TG: tbh right now im much more likely to follow that than cold hard education  
TG: plus its always v interesting to see why people like things  
TG: that okay??  
CT: 8=D < I am more than happy to foalfill your wishes.  
CT: 8=D < I shall set out as soon as possible.

 

                Ngl, you spend most of your time while he’s making the trip dozing. No matter how much sleep you technically got last night, it sure as shit wasn’t restful. You get jolted awake when he messages you that he’s outside your door, and you try to at least finger comb your hair a bit as you head over to let him in. And last minute you realize you need to tuck a boob back into your tank top. Oh lord, you must look awful right now.

                Ahahahaha, Horuss totally _stares_ when you open the door. You can’t even be offended with how hilarious that is. And shit, you aren’t wearing _pants_. A tank top and underwear are totes appropriate clothing to greet guests, just play it cool. He clears his throat and asks, “Are you… feeling well?”

                “As well as I was before,” you croak. Oh god, what even is your voice. “Is something, like, extra wrong…? Sorry, I know I’m a wreck.”

                “Forgive me for giving offense—”

                You have to laugh. “Nooo no no, you’re fine. I just totally passed back out and forgot to make myself presentable. Hold on, Ima be rude and take care of that real quick. Is it okay if we use my bedroom? I have a cozy pillow nest there, and uh, also every other room in my apartment is a stupid mess and I’m not going to make you un-bury the couch.”

                You hustle him on through to your bedroom so he can’t get a good look at how cluttered your living room is (or your kitchen, or your hallways, oh wow you can be embarrassingly messy). You grab some actual clothes and kick the worst of the mess into your closet and under the bed, then leave him to make himself at home while you go off to the bathroom to get dressed. You’re pretty quick! You just throw on some pants and brush your hair, you don’t even bother with makeup. But by the time you get back to your bedroom, Horuss has found a space to decaptchalogue the inlaid coffee table with its setting of a bajillion teapots and ahhhhhh, _yes_ , a cup of tea has never sounded better than it does right now.

                And you know what, it’s actually not too hard for the two of you to get into the swing of things. You pull up your sheets and pile up all of your many pillows against the headboard, so you can pretend like your bed is just a very, very deep couch. The hot tea feels like heaven for your poor throat. And then you tease Horuss until he climbs on up, and curl up next to him, tucked up against his side and under a pile of blankets.

                It’s pretty cool watching him just talk about his favorite paintings! You’re still too tired and out of it to be an awesome participant like you’ve been the last couple weeks, but you can manage sipping tea and just listening to him talk. It’s actually super soothing. When you lean up against his shoulder, you can feel the vibrations when he says anything, and when he just lets loose like this? There’s none of the stiff stop-and-start that’s how he usually talks. And wow, it’s kinda crazy, but you think you can detect _emotion_ here, and it sounds almost like he’s starting to get… excited??

                Of course, you being you, you can’t stay entirely quiet for long. Your lap is covered with various books (and even a couple _scrolls_ , which you’d never actually seen irl before), and you’ve Horuss talk about many, many different furry pinups, but hmm. You think you’re starting to notice a pattern here.

                “So,” you say, but then you have to stop to cough. He waits, frozen in the middle of flipping a book to a new page. “I can’t help but notice there’s a bit of a trend in these favorites of yours.” Then you pause, because that’s a pretty good place for him to chime in, yeah? But he doesn’t say anything, and after a moment you awkwardly continue, “All these faves of yours are the horsey dudes, huh?”

                He still isn’t moving, and from what you can see from where you’ve pretty much tucked yourself against his arm, his face looks like _he_ thinks he did something wrong? After a too-long pause, he says, “I—I feel a great deal of. Affection. For the noble form of the hoofbeast, and—”

                You, um. Aren’t sure what you did wrong? “No man, it’s cool! Horses are awesome, I can dig it. I was just curious. Horses are winners in my book.”

                He starts flipping forward in the book again, but all slow and hesitating-like. You kinda want to push a little to see if you can figure out what set him off, but tbh, you don’t even know where to start. You twist around juuuuust enough to get a better look at his face, and it looks like he’s thinking. He doesn’t even notice you staring, and let’s be real, you are not the most subtle person out there. All up against his side like this you can tell the difference between tense Horuss and relaxed Horuss, and he was _so_ relaxed before, but you’ve undone all that now and he’s hella tense, and you’re kicking yourself for it.

                After a few minutes of leafing past pictures without saying a word, he finally clears his throat. “I have often felt.”

                You wait. But he doesn’t say anything, and should you wait for him to finish on his own, or should you speak up, and ahhh decisions are hard and, “Yeah?”

                He jumps. “I have often felt that, that perhaps. Maybe I was hatched with, with the spirit of a hoofbeast instead of a troll.”

                “Huh.” You don’t want to spook him right now. Dude’s wound so tight you think he might just explode from pure tension. “Not something I’ve got personal experience with myself. So horsey musclebeasts are your jam?”

                He’s watching you super close, you can tell even without looking up at him. “What if—I was meant to have the, the _body_ of a hoofbeast?”

                “Instead of a troll?” Oh wow, you are so out of your depth right now. But you can feel him stiffening up and starting to pull away, and this mostly seems surreal and funny to you but it seems like it must be serious business for him. He always seems so _unhappy_ and you are fumbling this right now and you just want to give him a _hug_. Well. Hugs are a thing you can do! You untangle an arm from your blanket nest and snake it around his waist. “If you tell me so, I’m not gonna argue with it.”

                He relaxes against you all at once. “ _Oh._ ”

                You snag his arm and wrap it around your shoulder, give his hand a squeeze while you’re at it. After a minute, you cautiously venture, “I know we’re kinda stuck in the bodies we’ve got, but if you ever want to try furry roleplay, I know Jade would be two hundred percent up for it.”

                He tenses up a little, but nothing like before. “I could never impose—”

                You laugh a little at that! “I promise it’s not imposing! Jade is all about that business, zero irony. She’s been trying to get Dirk hooked, so I’m sure she’d love it if you wanted to try. Might not be exactly what you’re looking for, but could be you’d enjoy it anyways. Or Nepeta, she’d totally dig it if you wanted to roleplay a straight-up horse.” He’s still hesitating, so you add, “You don’t have to decide now! But both of them are super fun to roleplay with.”

                Horuss stays mostly-relaxed as he starts telling you more about his favorite paintings, and you decide that’s a victory point in your favor. And in his favor! You just relax and sip tea, still under his arm and buried in a pile of blankets and books. He’s more animated than you’ve ever seen him, and you feel like a winner for getting him to that point. It’s really interesting when he talks about the musclebeast stuff on a personal level, instead of High Art. The art stuff is cool too, but it’s always awesome seeing people get really into the stuff they like. And hee, the more he talks about certain techniques, or about how challenging certain styles are, the more you have a sneaking suspicion…

                You elbow him (gently!) in the ribs and ask, “So where do you keep _your_ art stuff?”

                He jumps, and oops, ouch, note to self: don’t tickle the super-strong troll while you are trapped under his arm. You did not think that through. But aaaah, he’s totally blushing and stammering and yeah, you hit that nail right on the head! You try not to laugh too hard while he stumbles over telling you that no, they’re simple unpracticed sketches of disappointing quality (yeah, like that AWFUL table he made and those worthless potholders, right) and unworthy for viewing, and you tell him that noooo no no, you bet they’re fantastic and he’s just gotta show them to you!

                He changes his tune right away. “As you wish, I will prepare them for you as soon as possible. It was neglectfoal of me not to have them on hand today.”

                Um, whoa. Hold it. Because if he’s saying no, you’re not gonna bully him into showing you! You were just teasing and, y’know, strongly implying that you think he’s made some really pretty art that you’d totally be interested in seeing. But when you try to explain that, he only shakes his head. “It would be absolutely unforgiveable impropriety to deny one so highblooded as you.”

                “Aww, dude, no.” You know some trolls get hung up on the blood thing. Equius is still bad about it, Eridan too, and Kankri and Karkat are both _definitely_ working through some issues. And you wear loads of pink, troll empresses are fuschia, two plus two equals four, and you really, really hate realizing someone might have been treating you weird because of an alien caste system that doesn’t even _apply_ to humans. “No, I’m not a highblood, so you can’t make like I’m one, okay?”

                “It, it is proper—”

                “It is _not_ proper! Because I’m not a troll, and all humans are red on the inside, okay?” Your voice cracks like fuck when you try to raise it, and you clamp down on a coughing fit because _not the time._ He’s definitely not meeting your eyes. You can’t tell if he ever really does, but now he’s deliberately not looking at your face. Like, what if Horuss has only been agreeing to meet with you at all because you’re a ~*~highblood~*~ and you _have_ in fact been shoving yourself where you aren’t wanted? Would he have given you that blanket if, idk, if you liked orange like Dirk? Augh, hi there self-doubt, good to have you back! Fuuuuuuck, you’d been having such a good time. “Look, you need to tell me right now whether this whole… _everything_ is only happening because you’ve got me labeled as a highblood and weren’t going to tell me no.”

                “No! I, I—” He stops for a moment and you can feel him take a slow breath. He still isn’t looking at you. “I am deeply grateful for your attention throughout the last several weeks, and. I am further grateful to be granted the opportunity to discuss art with a, a friend.”

                Godfuckingdammit, you ordered him to give you that answer, didn’t you. Fuck, fuck, how are you supposed to ask for things or be stern or _anything_ if he’s gonna just cave like that? “Because I’m a quote-unquote highblood.”

                He shakes his head. “Independent of my belief in your nobility. I. Remain grateful.”

                That’s. Something at least. But christ, how are you supposed to tease or ask for things or anything without that coloring things between you? You genuinely enjoy hanging with him. He’s awesomely weird and he keeps surprising you with all the cool stuff he does and knows, and you want to be able to interact with him without being afraid he’s making up some fantasy you to bow down to. You blow your nose to give yourself time to think. “Listen, you can’t let me boss you around like that. You honestly can’t, or I’ll go crazy. Because now I’m like, did he come over _just_ because he thinks I’m a highblood? Did he give me that blanket _just_ because I’m kinda empress-colored?”

                “ _No_ —”

                “See though, now it’s all up in my head. It’s good you _said_ that, because having it be out there without knowing would be worse. And tbh if we want to keep doing the friend thing, it needs to _stop._ I can’t deal, okay?” He’s way quiet, and you can’t tell if it’s a good kind of quiet or a bad kind. “I’m, ummm. Fuck, how do I do this? I’m not ordering you to tell me things you don’t want to tell me. But if you have feelings you’re okay sharing, it would be totally awesome if you said them out loud?”

                Horuss pauses for a moment. You’ve leaned forward out from under his arm to almost-look him in the face (if he would just make frigging eye contact, even with the goggles in the way it would be nice if he _looked_ at you). You’re sniffling like hell and it’s kinda gross, but you wait for him to talk. “I do not wish to lose your friendship.”

                “Cool, that’s a thing I’m on board with. So do you think you can stop making like I’m a highblood?” No reply, and you can’t tell what this flavor of not-replying _means_. “What if I ordered you to stop looking at art, no art for you, not ever again, what would you do about that?”

                You can feel him stiffen, and he sounds almost upset when he says, “That would be… an exceedingly unkind order.”

                “Damn straight. Or I could order you to stop enjoying horse stuff, or no making things, no hobbies, any of that would be super awful of me! So if I’m telling you to do something that you legit don’t want to do, I need you to try _not doing it_. Because right now I’m worried I’m trampling all over you, and that is not a thing I’m okay with. So I need you—That’s you, mister big blue muscley dude sitting right next to me—You have to _tell me no_ sometimes!”

                He looks right at you for the first time since this whole thing went to hell. “I will _not_.”

                For a moment you’re seriously pissed. But. Waitaminute, did he—Did he just…? Naw, he wouldn’t have. Right? He looks down solemnly at you for a few long seconds, and then he smiles. Just a tiny little smile, but it’s definitely _there_! You can’t help it, you burst out laughing. Aw, that little smile thing he’s got going on is absolutely precious. He ducks his head and smiles a little wider.

                After a minute (when you’ve managed to clamp down on the last few giggles), he says, “I will… attempt to comply with your wishes on this matter.”

                That’s better than nothing, even if you’re not one hundred percent happy with it. His arm is hovering over you like he doesn’t know where he’s allowed to put it, so you tuck yourself back down against his side. His hand settles slowly on your shoulder while he aimlessly leafs through the book sitting open on his lap. You just watch the pictures go by. Neither of you says much of anything for a while.

                Eventually, Horuss clears his throat. “I find it… comforting. To let myself be guided by others in situations where I have no STRONG preference of my own.”

                “Makes sense.” You… guess it does, really? But you’re still not really okay with the turn things took back there. “See though, I can get that when it’s things that don’t matter much. Like bars, I guess, that was a thing where you were fine letting other people pick what to do. Or picking art books. But there’s gotta be _some_ situations where you have those, haha, STRONG feelings, right? Because just then, I was like ‘omg you have art where is it?’ And you were like ‘no,’ and I was like ‘SHOW ME,’ and you were like ‘okay.’

                He shifts uneasily. “I believe I understand.”

                “So you don’t have to show me your art. Or do anything you don’t want. Really! Unless you speak up for yourself sometimes, I’m always gonna be afraid I’m just walking all over you all the time always.”

                “I would be very gratified if you would do me the honor of viewing my art.”

                “See though, are you saying that because you think I’m a highblood or whatever? Because that’s _not_ something I’m comfortable with. Lots of people don’t want to show off their art, and I can deal.”

                Horuss pauses, and turns to look down at you. “It would please me to show you as a human.” He turns away, and you think you can see that hint of a smile on his lips again. “Although as a mere human, I believe you must fall lower than the lowest rank of the hemocaste—”

                Aggh, taking hemocaste politics seriously is still not your favorite, but he’s honest-to-god _teasing_ you! You tease him back that bright fuschia shades into bright red, so humans are totes at the _top_ of the hemocaste, or that since rust is the closest shade to human red, maybe humans should treat the hemocaste as reversed, and turns out Horuss grins like Equius does, all slow and hesitant, ducking his head and laughing so soft it’s more air than noise.

                The two of you go back to talking art soon enough. You build a mountain of used tissues on the opposite side of the bed, and Horuss keeps you supplied with tea from the many, many kettles sitting on the coffee table. You’re pretty sure he can talk about naked horse dudes forever, and not gonna lie, it’s a pretty dang soothing to just listen to him. It’s all deep and rumbly leaned up against his chest like this, and after a while, you’re _really_ starting to remember that the little sleep you got last night was not at all restful. You just close your eyes and relax and listen, and you honestly mean to stay awake, but well—

                Well, the next time you open your eyes, the sun seems to be setting, for one thing. Haha, wow, you are the _worst host._ Instead of leaning against Horuss’s side, you’re sprawled halfway into his lap. His laptop is sitting on your sheets, playing some kind of troll movie with subtitles—and no sound. Aww, that’s sweet of him, especially considering you probably just spent the last few hours sleep-coughing on him. You’re still super-groggy, so you just zone out and watch the movie go by. Waking up for you is a gradual, delicate process, okay? You think you can tell who the couples are in the movie, but it looks like… are two of them having a knife fight? _Awesome._

                Once you feel like you’re up to functioning, you yawn and stretch. And oh god, your boob has made another break for it, how long has it been like that? You should have taken the time to get dressed for reals this morning, _fuuuuuuuck_. You tuck the errant boob away as subtle as you can, but when you look up at Horuss, what you can see of his face is bright blue. Apologize? Or play it cool? Hahaha, you are _totally_ pretending that nothing just happened.

                “Sorry for falling asleep on you like that.” Boob? What boob? You are a master of subtlety

                He ducks his head. “I understand that rest is often of aid in recovering from illness.”

                Do you want to sit up? You kind of don’t want to sit up. “Yeah, rest is good and shit, but I shouldn’t be doing it when I have a guest over. That was my bad.”

                “I do regret that you find fine art so uninteresting that it puts you to sleep.”

                You freeze for a moment, but then—Aah, he’s totally teasing you again! You roll over and carefully headbutt him in the stomach. “Just look at you trying to make me feel bad! I am crying actual human tears right now, and it’s all your fault.”

                You kind of just want to stay there and chill. It’s cozy as heck, and you’re still only like seventy percent awake. But blarrrr the longer it stays quiet the less excuse you have for not moving, umm— “That movie looked interesting.”

                “It is a cultural landmark. The classic tale of Haaree and Tsalli, the growth of their relationship from initial pitch feelings and platonic hatred, and how their acquaintance develops over a period of many years.”

                Aw yeah, this is the stuff. You just bury your face in his stomach and listen to him talk about the film. Tbh, this movie sounds pretty awesome. But wow, so many quadrants to keep track of. Matesprits and morails and auspistices, oh my. Sounds cute, especially if you have someone to answer your questions as you go—“Want to watch it together next weekend?”

                Smooth as sandpaper, that’s you. Horuss pauses—Surprise? Disinterest? You dunno. Your face is planted in his shirt, you can’t see what he looks like. But, “I would be happy to.”

                _Heck_ yes. You want knife fight romance movies in your life. You pull yourself together enough to sit up (you’re a totally functional person, you swear), and you let Horuss get back to his place. You already ate up most of his day, and _then_ you fell asleep on him. Least you can do is let the guy have a little of his life to himself. You’re way too awake to fall back asleep now, so you dig around in the blankets until you unearth your laptop, and open it up to check your messages.

 

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]\--

 

TT: So. How did your day go?  
TT: And for the sake of clarity, I mean how did your day-long tete-a-tete with big blue go?  
TG: well hello and hi to you 2 it is good to see you mr distri and how are you  
TG: (insert blunt and v personal question here)  
TG: it was fun??  
TG: it was p much like the last couple of sundays just at my place instead of his  
TG: minus dinner afterwards w/ my 3 fav people :((((  
TG: the plague sucks 0/10 do not recommend  
TT: Oh yeah?  
TT: Because I hear tell a certain someone fell asleep on a certain someone else’s lap.  
TG: ok  
TG: literally he just walked out the door how the fuck did u hear about that  
TT: You have so many windows.  
TT: I have so little to entertain me.  
TG: DIRK  
TT: What do you think?  
TT: I messaged him and asked.  
TG: i stg you get too much enjoyment pretending to be the biggest creeper  
TG: and whats up w/ u messaging him all of a sudden???  
TG: i am p sure that has never been a thing  
TT: Educated guess.  
TG: educated guess  
TT: Considering I was spot on, I don’t think you get to act all outraged.  
TT: I mean, you only messaged him for hours on Friday.  
TT: It could mean anything  
TT: It would definitely be presumptuous of me to assume anything is up.  
TG: omg we have been making friends everything is always such a big deal w/ you  
TG: and trust me making friends with horuss is MAX difficulty level  
TG: i have defeated the game all friendship achievements have been unlocked  
TG: that high score board is ALL MINE  
TT: And then you fell asleep on his lap.  
TG: ok technically i fell asleep on his shoulder  
TG: and mysteriously made my way to his lap  
TT: Funny thing.  
TT: Ever read about the social implications of that in troll culture?  
TG: what social implications????  
TG: ive fallen asleep on u before  
TG: im sick as heck and super tired and he was there?  
TG: also i dont believe that trolls have social implications over sleeping that’s just dumb  
TG: erryone has to sleep sometime  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: Is that so?  
TT: Or perhaps it means that you trust him not to rip out your throat while you’re at your most vulnerable?  
TT: Perhaps you’re even putting yourself on -display- for him at your most vulnerable.  
TT: Roxy, you saucy thing.  
TT: What a flirt.  
TT: Making that poor boy swoon.  
TG: omg stopppp it was just a nap!!  
TG: besides beforans arent all about the casual murder n shit  
TT: Seems like a pretty direct way to try inspiring romantic pity.  
TG: thhhpppptttt  
TG: anyone who knows human culture knows not to read your stupid subtext into things  
TT: If you say so.  
TT: But Horuss seemed pretty flustered when I talked to him.  
TG: copy-paste?  
TT: Nah.  
TT: I’m gonna see where this goes without meddling.  
TG: THIS^^^^^^ isnt meddling????  
TT: Without excess meddling.  
TG: sir u are leading me on and jerking my chain  
TT: What are your plans for next weekend?  
TG: art presumably??  
TG: and also were gonna watch ‘in which haaree and tsalli, a pair of newly ascended, something something something’  
TT: Sounds like a date to me, bro.  
TT: Classic romance movie.  
TG: omg im going to tell karkat on you and then youll be sorry  
TT: Too late.  
TT: He and I have been playing gossipchums together all day.  
TT: He thinks this is pretty great.  
TT: He agrees excessive meddling is no good, but both of us are digging into the metaphorical popcorn and watching with undivided interest.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

 

                Aaand time for a strategic delay before you unblock him. You roll over to get up and go to the bathroom, and. Horuss has left the beautiful inlaid table beside your bed. You send him a few worried messages offering to return it anytime, and right away he replies that he’d be 'e%ceedingly gratified' if you’d accept the gift. You try to protest this really hard, because oh lordy, you can’t imagine how much this thing would cost if you were shopping for furniture, and he’s just _giving_ it to you! But he says that you appreciate the craftsmanship much more than he does, and he’d like the table to belong to someone who truly values it. When you tell him it’s too much and you don’t deserve it, he _actually_ tells you no. You. Um.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has unblocked timaeusTestified [TT]\--

 

TG: omgomg dirk u know the table like the really REALLY gorgeous one i took pictures of that horuss made himself and its like the prettiest thing ever and yeah you know that table????  
TT: Let me guess.  
TT: Did he leave you a present?

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has blocked  timaeusTestified [TT] \--

 

                You unblock him like thirty seconds later, but it’s the thought that counts. You. Okay, so wow. You message Horuss again, but he stays pretty firm on the 'no' front. You tried to turn it down this time, for real! You love this table to pieces, and you _know_ he said it was old and he could do better. But holy shit, this is by far the nicest gift you’ve ever received. And you. You literally just got done telling him to disagree with you when he had strong feelings about something, and this is the first time he hasn’t just done whatever you said. You can’t—You end up sending Feferi and Nepeta some long-ass messages (and swearing them to secrecy) and having a huge three-way conversation about troll culture and gifts and all that, and yeah, turns out presents this extravagant are as unusual for trolls as for humans. You feel pretty guilty that you keep getting all these fantastic gifts and taking up all of Horuss’s free time, but the last thing Nepeta says before they sign off is that maybe this is how much Horuss values the time you've spent with him.

                Oh my god. You don’t know what to think! You honestly don’t! You’re pretty good at romantic pining, but this is terrifying new territory. Are you on the receiving end of an unrequited crush? A _requited_ crush? Are you crushing on him and reading too far into platonic gift-giving? Do either of you even feel love wrapping its clammy fist around your hearts, or are you just jumping ten bajillion guns and looking for hidden meaning in something straightforward? You just don’t know and it is _so stressful_ trying to figure it out. Stressing is a great way to kill the time before you feel like you can sleep again. And you still have a week looming over you.

                Basically, the week goes as it goes. You wing it. You do have a good time once you stop being quite so sick, and you hang out with and talk to plenty of people. Business as usual, ahahahaaaaa, nothing strange going on here! Nope! Dirk even manages not to be a butt about things, apart from that one message exchange. Karkat doesn’t say a word about it to you (and _you_ sure don’t bring it up!), but once or twice you catch him watching you awful closely when everyone is hanging out together. And the couple of times you bring up the table with Horuss, he’s just as determined that he wants you to have it, and that he won’t take it back.

                Well, once the weekend comes, you are definitely looking forward to the movie! Porrim tells you it’s one of the best Beforan romance movies ever filmed, and you trust her judgment. You suuuure are focused on that movie. Just the movie! You’re not hung up on how other things may or may not go, nope. You’re wound so tight you can feel the tension doing a number on your back muscles as you make your way to Horuss’s door.

                At least when he lets you in, he’s not acting like things are weird at all. That helps a lot. He leads you along to the same room as always, and _oh_. There’s a new coffee table in there, and when you go to look at it, holy shit, your (your!!) table is gorgeous, but this one absolutely puts it to shame. You glance back at Horuss, and he’s smiling, and you laugh and laugh and go back to examining the table. You can’t even imagine how he did this! Your table is all full of fancy patterns in straight lines, but this table is covered with intricate, interlocking curves.

                Once you’re done admiring, you turn back to Horuss. He’s still smiling, and you do disagree hardcore with Meulin’s advice to smile all the time always, but ahhh, you rather think Horuss could stand having more excuses to smile on his own. You’re _pretty sure_ he can already guess what you think about the new table, but you still tell him, “This is probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”

                He gives another one of those soft, barely-more-than-a-breath laughs. “I thought you might enjoy it.”

                Do you tease him? It sometimes goes badly, but—You think the two of you know where you stand with each other? “I see how it is, you give me the old battered furniture when you’re ready to replace it?”

                You’re half-expecting him to get upset, and you are standing by for possible damage control, but instead he smiles even _wider_. “I would have given you the new table if I had any hope that you might actually accept it.”

                You can’t help laughing! Considering how many times you’ve nagged him about his present this last week—Haha, it’s probably for the best he kept this table for himself! “You know, if you’d told me you had this on hand, I bet I would have been less of a pest!”

                He ducks his head. “I confess I found it rather humorous to have had the opportunity to fluster you—Instead of the other way around.”

                You look back down at the table because hmm yes wow suddenly you seem to be getting rather flustered again? But nope, nope, not you, you’re just paying lots of attention to the furniture, that’s what you’re doing! This table even has a layer of glass over its top, and the inevitable tea kettles are sitting on that instead of on the bare wood. But still with more of those cool quilted potholders! You check those out while Horuss sets up the video grub for the massive television (or whatever troll television is called) on the wall opposite the couch.

                Oh and hey, what’s this? There’s a notebook right on the couch right where you usually sit. You leaf through the first few pages while Horuss finishes starting the movie, and um. Wow, it looks like a certain someone decided to show you his art. It’s _incredible_. You know fine art is a thing, but that’s made by like… artists. This is being made by a _person,_ someone you know in real life, and frankly it doesn’t look all that different from some of the sketched musclebeasts he showed you in his fine art reproductions. When he turns around and sees you flipping through the book, his smile starts looking hella nervous, and you’re not sure if he realizes he’s wringing his hands.

                You reassure him right off that this art is fucking _fantastic_ , and you look through a bit more (and you don’t even have to try to be vocal in how much you admire it—Dude knows how to draw him some _muscles_ ). But once the movie really gets rolling, you set the book aside for later and pay attention to the screen. Okay, this movie is hilarious, first of all. It starts a little slow and you have to bug Horuss with questions about how you can tell blackrom from regular ol’ hatred, but once Tsalli is pretending to fill a pail in the middle of a crowded restaurant, you are so into this thing. Both of the main actors are fantastic, and even without having a clue about how troll culture really works, you’re having an awesome time.

                And tbh, you’re pretty sure you have an easier time following this movie rather than the big effects-heavy sweeping action epics that get shown at most of the movie nights. Those movies are awesome, yeah, but you’re not sure any of the humans have a _clue_ what’s going on (okay probably Rose and Dirk do, but you always get distracted and have conversations and end up missing half of the plot). This has a tighter focus, and you actually _get_ what’s happening when Tsalli tries to talk her moirail through getting over her handfasted flushcrush, and it’s totally adorable when Tsalli and Haaree try to set their moirails up with each other, but the moirails hit it off with each other instead of with the other two.

                And the plot is straightforward enough that you can just lean up against Horuss and have an almost-constant conversation where you can ask any question that pops into your head, even when Haaree and Tsalli flip pitch for each other and have a knife fight at their moirails’ handfasting ceremony. Horuss tells you that it’s very romantic, and you guess you’ll take his word for it! By the end of the movie, you are _very_ on board with Haaree and Tsalli being flushed for each other, though Horuss says it’s strongly implied they’ll have semi-regular pitch vacillation together. In summary, it’s a super, super cute movie. You wish they showed more like this at the movie nights. It gives you a nice picture of how troll relationships flow! Even with a bunch of trolls around all the time, it can be really hard to tell how that business works. You bet Karkat will be onboard with this if you want to team up to slip some romcoms into Meenah’s action movie lineups.

                When the credits start rolling, you pick up Horuss’s sketchbook and start flipping through again. You’re _pretty_ sure some of these are pictures of him as a musclebeast. That ponytail is super distinctive! But it’s funny to see him drawn with an extremely human dick when you know _darn well_ what kind of alien junk trolls are packing. You kind of expect him to chime in at some point, but he just watches while you go through his sketches.

                Eventually you come to a page which. Hm. Well. _Wow_. Okay, this is definitely _you_. The highlights in pink are a pretty solid indicator (and the stylized cat head outlined on musclebeast-you’s chest), but your hair is there too, and even though the face is definitely more horse than human, he even drew the tiny little mole on your chin. You don’t look right at Horuss, but you can tell from the corner of your eye that he’s nervous. He’s smoothing wrinkles out of his not-at-all-wrinkled pants, over and over while you look at the picture. There are sure more muscles here than you can lay claim to. This Roxy is majorly bulked out and looks to be tall as heck. Also you’re extremely naked, with a massive, erect dong.

                At this point, the shock factor of seeing so many dicks has kind of worn off. Ngl, it _is_ pretty surreal seeing your head on top of a musclebeast body! But you’re also able to look at the picture as a picture, and you still don’t know all that much about Beforan art, but you can tell that this is lovely work. And ahh, just all the _detail_ he put in here— All the muscles are carefully detailed, from the top on down to where the legs shift into hooves. You admire for a bit longer, trying to remember the things Horuss has told you about composition and symbology and all that, but he’s fidgeting in place and plucking at the fabric of his pants, and haha oops you should probably _react_ and let the poor guy off the hook.

                You look up at him and just let the smile spread across your face. “You drew me?”

                He stammers, “I, I. I—”

                You cut the poor guy off instead of forcing him to answer. His face is _super_ blue. “No need to worry, dude. This is _gorgeous_.”

                You go back to looking at the picture, because holy shit, so much _detail_. Did he do all of this with just pencil?? And like, Dirk and Callie have drawn you before, but those were just quick fun things. This is Serious Art and you can’t even imagine how much time this must have taken. You’re not exaggerating And art is his thing, his big thing, and he made this _for you_. You don’t usually have trouble with words, that is not a problem you are familiar with, but you’re feeling overwhelmed in the most flattering way possible. You’ve been second-guessing yourself and over-analyzing everything all week, and hey, your usual answer to _that_ problem is to cut the brakes. Instead of struggling to find the right words, you reach for his horn and gently turn his head towards yours, and you stretch up and take your first kiss.

                He makes a quiet little noise you feel more than you hear, and just _melts_ against you. You honestly have zero idea what you’re doing, kisses make a lot more sense watching them from the outside than when you’re trying to pull them off yourself. But wow, Horuss sure knows how to make a girl feel appreciated! His hands are hovering like he doesn’t know where to put them. Your neck is starting to complain about this angle, so you’re allowed to reposition yourself, right?

                You swing yourself onto the couch, up on both knees. Ha, this way you actually have a little height on Horuss. He lifts his head up to meet you as you bend down, and _yes_ you’re reading this right, he wants this (he wants _you!_ ), and you want him, and you have officially been _kissed_ , Roxy Lalonde is winning at life! His hands settle on your hips, and yes, this is a situation you are absolutely fine with. Your nose bonks into his once or twice—This isn’t as easy as it looks. Hmm. And then you run into his goggles and headgear a few times. Okay. Yeah, maybe this would be easier if there were fewer obstacles in the way.

                You pull back—Dip in for one more quick kiss—His eyes are closed and he follows you forward when you pull away, and ahh, the way he reacts to you just leaves you wanting _more_. You lean in, but bonk, headgear to the nose. Right, get your head in the game. You tug on one of hanging straps. “May I?”

                It takes him a moment. “May you—Oh, I, my deepest, I’m so sorry—”

                Are kisses good for cutting off unnecessary apologies? It turns out they are! After you break away, he sighs, breaths in, and bows his head forward. Oh balls, you wish you’d listened better to Dirk when he tried to talk troll culture at you. Does baring the back of your neck mean something? It probably does if you’re used to dealing with people with sharp claws and teeth.

                His ponytail looks so smooth and silky and you’ve been wanting to touch it _forever_. So you do! You play with it while you eye all the buckles and straps and try to figure out what needs undoing. His hair feels as soft as it looks, and you can feel him shiver the first time you comb your fingers through his ponytail. You take your time undoing the buckles—Not because you’re totally lost, but because you are savoring the moment, mhmm, that’s what you are doing, and your hands are _definitely not shaking_ when you finally slip his goggles and harness over his horns and off his head.

                Your—Not your first impression, because that boat sailed long ago, but the first thing you think when you see his face is that Horuss Zahhak is really _pretty_. He has crazy dark circles under his eyes like he never sleeps¸yeah. But you’re torn between thinking it’s a crying shame he never goes out and about sans headgear, and being super flattered that you’re the lucky lady who’s getting to see him without it. His eyes are skating off to the side and he’s not looking at you, and you’re worried that you’re making him uncomfortable, but his hands are iron-tight on your hips, and you’re not sure if you could shift him even if you wanted to. And hey, you don’t want to. A drop of sweat rolls down his cheek as you watch. You admire for just a moment longer, smoothing your fingers across the lines the harness left on his skin, and okay, that’s enough self-control, time for more kisses.

                Now, lips! Lips are a thing you are getting the hang of. Even as the most inexperienced kisser in the history of forever, there are only so many ways to apply lips to other lips, and you are sorting this shit out. And it’s pretty fantastic! But Horuss’s lips are just barely parted against yours and you are increasingly aware that French kissing is a thing that happens and oh fuck, you are so far out of your depth it isn’t even funny. You’re having a great time! That is not a thing that is in question. But you kind of um, took charge there, and it turns out that might be a silly thing to have done when you have absolutely no clue what the heck you’re doing.

                Wing it? Or own your hilarious lack of experience? Can you honestly fake this, especially since you have no idea how far this evening’s going to go? You argue silently with yourself until you realize that whoa, you are just freaking yourself out, and if you keep this up you’re going to stress yourself into not having a good time. Augh, this is going to be awkward, but you can do this, you are a mature lady.

                You break away and lean your forehead up against Horuss’s while you catch your breath and maybe organize your thoughts a tiny bit. “Um. So, you may have noticed. That I haven’t really, uh. Ever.” Fuck. You are the most articulate person, it is you. You should have practiced.

                “Mm?” His eyes are shut, and wow, you are all about the way his thumbs are rubbing slow circles into your hips. The leather of his gloves is distractingly soft. He still has his head tipped back for you, leaving grey neck exposed over the collar of his shirt.

                You try again. “Okay, well that was a pretty fantastic first kiss, ten out of ten, would kiss again. But see, that pretty much reaches the limits of what I know. I mean, like. First kiss for me, _ever?_ This is fun and shit, but I’m very lost and getting more lost by the minute.” Aghaghaghhhh embarrassingggg, you really, really wish you knew what you were doing, and life would be so much easier right now if you’d gotten some (any) experience with anything before now. Whatever! You can work it, you just need to stop psyching yourself out.

                Horuss has his eyes open now, but at least he’s acting chill. And he hasn’t tried the whole ‘ _really,_ no experience _ever???’_ shtick, which is good, you sincerely appreciate that. He’s watching you, just breathing slow and steady. “What do you wish me to do?”

                Hmm. Well, since he’s offering—“Take the lead for a bit! I need help with this whole tongue business.”

                Oh god. Shit. Fuck. You don’t just see him go tense all over, you can _feel_ it, and tomorrow you’re going to have some nasty bruises on your hips. He’s frozen stiff and so are you, because what did you do? What did you _do_??? Is this seriously because you asked him to take the lead? Ouch, ow, his hands are still way too tight on you, but when he sees you wincing and trying to shift away, his hands fly off you and he’s pressing them into the couch cushions. He looked upset before, and now he looks downright distraught. He’s babbling apologies with his eyes darting between you and the goggles you tossed off to the side. You think you can feel him shaking.

                Okay. Okay. This is bad. You’re freaking out a bit, because you have no idea how you just fucked things up that badly, but he’s freaking out way worse than you, and if you have any hope of salvaging things you need to act _now_. But, but what do you even do when you were asking for help and that somehow ruined things? “ _Horuss._ ”

                He freezes absolutely still, and the only sound in the room is from the two of you breathing. He isn’t meeting your eyes. What do you do? How do you fix it when you don’t know why there’s a problem? “Talk to me, bro. Calm down. I need to know what the heck happened right there.” That’s getting closer to direct orders than you’d like, but this… yeah, you’re going to do go along with it if that’s what’ll chill him out.

                It takes a few seconds for him to reply. His eyes flicker down to your hips. “I, I injured you— This—Deplorable, unforgivable—”

                “ _Ssshhh.”_ You take his cheeks in both hands and turn his head up to face yours. “Bruises are no biggie, man. Promise. I’m not worried about that.” His eyes are almost pleading, and you just have to kiss him, forehead, nose, lips, before you go on. “You freaked before that. What’d I do wrong?”

                He shakes his head, lips pressed tight together. He’s totally strong enough to turn away if he wanted to, but he’s letting you steer him. Tbh the two of you are probably doing well if this is the first time the strength thing has been a problem, even with his strength-limiting gear. Nepeta’s told you enough about how it can be difficult, even after sweeps together with Equius. You know—This would be sooo rude if you were doing it to a stranger or a casual friend, but maybe you’re allowed now? You reach up to one bright orange horn and run your fingers from base to tip. Horuss shivers all over and buries his face in your shoulder.

                “Do not force me take charge.”

                “See though, I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m pretty sure we were heading towards mutually agreeable territory, but I honest-to-god have no idea how to get there.”

                “But, but I—”

                His horns are velvety-smooth, and the more you play with them, the more he relaxes against you, so yeah, you can keep doing this. “I need your help to sort this shit out. You’ve gotta show me what’s what.”

                Horuss just shakes his head against your shoulder.

                “Is this about me being inexperienced?” _Ouch_ , if that’s the case, lots of ouch, but you want to know precisely what’s going on here.

                Another head shake.

                “Then it’s about taking charge?” No response there, so yep, you think you’re onto something. “Can you… tell me why this has to be such a big deal?”

                He lets out a shuddery sigh against your shirt. “I… only wish to comply with your desires.”

                “What about your desires? Or what if, speaking hypothetically, my desire was for you to take the lead?” He tensing up against you again, and argh, no, you’re doing this wrong—This is a _Thing_. This is a Thing that needs to be addressed, and but both of you need to take a big ol’ step back and talk it through. But right now you’re beating your head against it without knowing what you’re doing and watch, you’ll manage to fuck this (and him) up in spectacular new ways. You sigh and prop your chin on top of his head. “Is this something you want to… Am I pushing too hard? Do you want me here? Not _me_ wanting you to want me here, this is one of those things where I need to be sure that _you_ want me to be doing this.”

                His hands come up from the cushions to rest very, very gingerly on your waist, and he whispers, “Please.”

                “Oh good,” you sigh. “Because I want to be doing this too.” You run your fingers through his hair while you try to think this business through. You kiss one of his horns, and he shivers, but then you feel his lips press against your collarbone. Mm, yes please. “Can you show me how kissing works with tongues? Maybe you can tell how I can take charge of you in the most sexy of ways? Because lemme tell you, if I try to improvise that shit, my tongue is probably going to be like, idk, a proud musclebeast phallus— The tongue is a muscle, y’know, the biggest buffest most rigid muscle, thrusting STRONGLY down your throat in a manner that is the exact opposite of sexy—”

                You can feel him laugh once against your skin. When he pulls back, there’s a little bit of a smile on his face. Shaky, but it’s there! “I will—If you. If you, ah, _begin_ , I believe it will not be difficolt to learn. As you. Well.”

                Aww, adorable! You laugh a bit and dip down to kiss him on the nose. “Gotta warn you that shit’s probably going to be pretty awful at first. I have absolutely _zero_ idea what I’m doing. Infinite apologies in advance.”

                He just tilts his head back for you. Agh, joking aside, you are still nervous as hell. This isn’t going to go well. At least once it’s over with, you’ll be able to joke about it eventually, right? You swing a leg over his lap to get a better angle, and you kiss him once to get your bearings, just like before. Okay. And then you stick your tongue in his mouth.

                Not gonna lie, you can tell you’re doing it wrong even as it’s happening. You just kinda… jam your tongue in there. You’re pretty sure there’s supposed to be some kind of back-and-forth, but aahhhh, you don’t know _how_ and all you have to work from is videos where you can’t even _see_ anything that’s happening, and Dave’s awful metaphors, which are _not a reliable resource_. Your tongue runs right into Horuss’s, yes, hello, how are you doing, and you just end up leaving your tongue hanging out there, because what do you do now? Also you technically have part of your body _inside_ of him right now and that’s really weird to think about, but you can’t linger on those thoughts, you are busy securing your position as the official worst kisser in the world.

                His tongue moves against yours and okay wow that feels _weird_ , and you’re so surprised you pull your tongue halfway back into your mouth. But his tongue follows yours and it still feels all so strange, but also _good,_ and you push back against him, and he slides against you, and—Oh, the rhythm to this is addictive. Tongues and lips—And sometimes a little bit of teeth because you’re still figuring out which way is up. Breaking apart for air and pushing together, little glancing kisses to his lips before diving back in. And even when you definitely make a mistake, Horuss just yields into it, and you’re a smart lady, you figure out pretty dang fast what the best ways are to make him gasp and press against you.

                You are um. Maybe a _little_ insecure. Horuss has had at least one kissing boyfriend, and had him for a hella long time, all through the troll afterlife. And you might be picking it up, but you sure aren’t any kinda expert. But Horuss is so good at rolling with whatever weird thing you want to try, and okay, you’re making a few assumptions here, but you’re pretty sure that he’s _enjoying_ himself. You’re enjoying yourself! Even though you still have not one hundred percent mastered the fine art of kissing, you are _very_ on board with this thing, and you’re definitely willing to out in _countless hours_ of practice to hone your skills.

                You relax down from your knees and end up basically sitting in his lap while the two of you have sloppy interspecies makeouts. Best weekend _ever._ And aaah, when you’re feeling experimental and bite down hard on his lower lip, he gasps, makes this _awesome_ chirpy cricket noise, and blushes bright blue. Omigod. You don’t know what that was exactly, but _more, please._ You do ask Horuss! But then when he tries to explain, you end up interrupting him all over the place, nibbling all over his mouth and chin. You do want to know what’s with the chirping? But also you are having way too much fun to exercise self-control. Out of curiosity, you take a horn and tip his head back, and bite him (gently!) on that exposed stretch of grey neck.

                Okay. Oh wow. The way he just arched up against you there was—He’s holding you tight against his chest while you straddle his lap, and let’s just say he’s moving between your legs in some _really interesting ways._ You. Um, you don’t know how far you want to actually go?? You didn’t think you’d be having sex for the first time ever today, but this morning you _also_ didn’t think you’d be getting kissed for the first time today. Does it matter? Putting all kinds of silly importance on ~*~the first time~*~ anything is a good way to stress yourself out for no reason. But also you do legit stress about fucking up because you have no clue what you’re doing.

                You know what? You aren’t the only person involved in this equation. You pull back and say, “So. Need to check in about where you think the afternoon is going.” Oh man, you sound so breathless. When did that happen?

                “I have no—”

                “Wait, wait, no deferring to me here. Not allowed. This is super important. I need you to tell me, no matter how little preference you have, no matter how much you want to tell me to do whatever I want, you’ve gotta tell me how far you want this to go.”

                He stops to think, which is a good sign. Ngl, you would’ve been _hella doubtful_ if he’d just tossed off any old answer. He shuts his eyes and breathes slowly for a few moments. “I think—I will be content to go as far as you desire.”

                Hmm. “Mkay, I’m not sure I buy that things are that straightforward. Don’t you have any limits at all? You’ve like. Y’know. _Done_ stuff before, so I’m sorta counting on you know how things stand on your end.”

                “If I become uncomfortable—I. I will make every effort to inform you.”

                Awright. Not as firm as you might want, but better than you’d been expecting. You’re still planning to keep a super-close eye on him for sure, because wow you’d have to be a major douche to be fine with making your partner unhappy, but aggghhhh it's not like you have any idea of what's reasonable and now you have to figure out what _your_ limits are. You have no clue. You don’t want to be, say, choked out, but that’s not likely to be on the table. Sex is definitely on the table. You are _really_ hot and bothered, everything is so much more intense when there’s someone else involved (haha oops, you’ve been kind of grinding on Horuss’s thigh), and by the way his pants are starting to shift, you believe he just _may_ be similarly afflicted!

                Okay, sex. Oh god, you’re thinking about having sex. Does your first time, like… matter to you? You really ought to have worked this out earlier. Critical thinking is hard with Horuss still between your legs and you just watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes. No, you know what? The only thing really freaking you out is that maybe you will screw up trying something new, and you are trying _plenty_ of new things right now and having an awesome time. Even when you screw up. If you weren’t enjoying yourself, you woulda peaced out of here ages ago. You can’t help grinning as you realize that yeah, you’re... you're genuinely okay with this. “Funny thing. Turns out I’m fine with going as far as _you_ desire.”

                Neither of you really knows what to do with yourselves after that. His cheeks are blue, and your face is _definitely_ burning and now that you’re moving on forward… Well, both of you are totally frozen. You break the tension with, “Wanna take my shirt off?”

                You have to guide his hands to the hem, ease them upward until his brain catches up and he eases your shirt over your shoulders. Once your head is free, he’s totally staring at your boobs. Haha, you can’t blame him! You are a big fan of boobs. Although… “Just remembered I _totally_ flashed you last weekend. Um. Sorry about that!” Your laugh probably sounds a bit self-conscious. But hey, it _was_ a completely accidental flashing!

                Remarkably, he’s is _not_ acting like he’s realized you’re a totally awkward dork. His lips are just slightly parted as he watches you. “I may have been mistaken—Did you. Do you have, ah. Nipples?”

                Ohhh, hey, you’d totally forgotten that wasn’t a troll thing! Heh, but it _is_ a musclebeast thing. Here you are, the sexual fantasy fairy, delivering exotic anatomical wonders from the great beyond! You whip off your bra yourself, no need to make the poor guy fight the clasp. “I’ll trade you, if you’ll unzip those pants and let me see what kind of anaconda you’re packing.”

                Haha, aww, he fumbles a bit with the zipper (because he won’t look away from your chest), and you take the chance to play with some choice boobage yourself! Mm, not gonna lie, it feels pretty good to get some attention right there. You might not have the largest rack, but it’s yours and it's cute and you think it’s pretty fantastic. And hee, that just makes Horuss fumble more. You are totally shocked by this turn of events!

                In the end, he doesn’t even manage to undo the pants, the fabric just tears. He looks super embarrassed and all kinds of flustered, and he just lifts his gloved hands and asks, “May I—?”

                You take his hands and put them on your chest himself. You show him what kind of things feel the best, pinching, tugging, all kinds of teasing things that just, nnnnh, _god_ , how does this feel so much more intense when it’s someone else doing it to you? You can’t be too distracted though, because you have one genuine tentabulge right here! Yours for the exploring! You’re starting to make some embarrassing noises as Horuss methodically explores all the ways he can play with your boobs—Your skirt is riding up around your hips as you grind down against his leg, you just can’t _help_ yourself and the friction feels so good—But when you find the tip of a deep blue bulge poking through his pants and let it wrap around your fingers… Well. The noises he makes are better than anything _you_ could ever manage!

                And holy shit. Every time you think you’ve got all the bulge, more comes sliding on out of his pants. And more. Wow, okay, you thought that porn stars were usually supposed to be the ones with the ridiculously sized dicks? This is out of control. You have not seen anything like this in the videos you’ve watched online, and your toys don’t even compare. It’s not like you’ve never had anything in you before, but by the time his bulge is snaking around your wrist and up your arm, you’re starting to think that mmmmaybe your pussy isn’t going to be up to the task.

                Still! There are all kinds of interesting options open to you, and fuck yes, tentabulges are _exactly_ as fun to play with as you’d hoped. You’re just starting to figure out all the different ways you can squeeze and stroke it, plus there’s a nook still hidden there under his clothing, and you are a _very curious lady_. But then Horuss takes some initiative (!!) and drops his head to your chest.

                Ahh, _aahhh_!! Oh god, nnh, this was overwhelming enough when it was just his hands, but how there’s tongue, and the occasional careful prickle of teeth, and you want to tell him just how fucking good this is, but you can’t manage to words—You’re grinding on his leg, totally shameless, and it’s not _enough_. You grab one of his hands and relocate it down between your legs, _yes_ , finesse, what is finesse, but that’s the back of his hand against your clit and his knuckles pressing up against you—

                Your orgasm takes you by surprise, even though it really shouldn’t. Horuss starts to pull back, but you cling to him while you ride it out. When you let him go, your hands are shaking. Horuss looks kind of shocked, kind of awestruck. His bulge is still coiling against his stomach, and you know what? You aren’t gonna be satisfied until you make him feel as good as he made you.

                He clears his throat. “Was that…?”

                You laugh, breathless and just so fricking _happy_. “It was goddamn _fantastic_ is what it was.” You stand (oh wow, your legs are wobbly) and take his hand, tugging him along with you. “Let’s get you off that couch, shit’s about to get _messy_.”

                You only go as far as the nearest open floor space. If you go on tiptoes and he bends down, the two of you can just manage a nice little kiss, and oooh, when you’re like this you can wrap your arms around his neck and just let yourself hang there. It’s so great and you could probably do this all the time always, but from the corner of your eye you can still see his bulge curling out the front of his pants and you want more.

                When you go for the buttons on his shirt, Horuss stops you. “My, my STRENGTH. I can’t—”

                Dammit, you forgot about that. This de-strengthening gear is great for silly, frivolous things like him not breaking your bones, but you also really, really wish you could see him naked right now. “Pants at least? Maybe? Well wait, what can I do for you that would feel the absolute _best_ right now? Nothing about what _I_ prefer or any of that, don't you dare, I’m just less familiar with troll bits than you are.”

                And hee, you’re letting his bulge get all friendly with your arm again, so it takes Horuss a few false starts before he manages to make a coherent answer. “Roxy, please, my _nook_ —”

                You tug his pants down yourself. He weakly tries to protest, but nah, you think you’ve got this. If he’s worried about hurting you, you just have to position him so he can’t do that, right? Once his shoes and pants are kicked off, you guide him down to the floor, set him on all fours. It's gonna be hard to accidentally hurt you from there. Mmf, _wow_ , you certainly are seeing his nook and yes this is a thing you are more than happy with. When you dare to brush a knuckle against him, he makes another one of those warbling chirps and shivers from head to toe.

                On the other hand, when you decide to get up close and personal with his nook, it doesn’t go quite so well. The first finger you stick into him, he definitely freaks. It’s all apologies and protests all together and it’s not especially coherent, so it takes you a minute or two to remember that right, troll _claws_ are a thing that exist.

                Not a problem for you! Human nails are pretty weaksauce to start with, and you keep yours super short so they don’t click on your keyboard. But Horuss is spooked and that’s the opposite of what you want, so you scoot around to his head to reassure him that things will be fine. He chills out a lot once he checks out your nails, but the whole idea of having your fingers up his nook definitely makes him nervous. You hum to yourself and pet his hair with one hand while he examines the other. No rush. Once he starts kissing your hand though, wow, suddenly you are _very_ interested in what is happening again.

                It is frigging ridiculous how good his lips feel against your fingers. It’s like—Something. You’re having a little trouble sorting your thoughts out—Wow, how is your palm this sensitive? It’s. He can keep doing this as long as he wants, as far as you’re concerned. Just for kicks, you push two of your fingers into his mouth, and ahhh, he _moans_. You go with it. It’s almost like kissing him, you can feel his tongue sliding against your fingers, but you have so much control, just holding his chin with your free hand while you feel out his mouth. His eyes flutter closed and he’s breathing hard as you—Holy shit, there’s no other word for it, as you fuck his face with your fingers.

                It takes you a little while to remember that _right_ , dude has bits that could use some attention, but even then it’s so hard to move—Especially when he follows your fingers forward when you pull them out of his mouth. God _damn_ , how does he have any right to be so appealing? Everything he does just makes you want _more._ But right, Horuss, this is about him right now. You had a fantastic time, and you are absolutely going to do the same for him. He shifts and presses back against your hand as you slip a finger into him. He’s so smooth and cool on the inside that after a while just feeling isn’t enough, and you bend down to lick a wet stripe across his nook.

 _That_ makes him gasp. And hee, you know what, when you take his bulge and guide it back to slip into his nook and get your mouth up close and personal with _both_ bits, well! You get some amazing noises out of him, to say the least. Man, though, in some ways oral is even better than kissing if you can get these kind of reactions out of him. And it doesn’t even matter that you don’t know how to do this! Basically _anything_ you do with your mouth or hands is getting you all kinds of positive feedback. And not gonna lie, you are getting one _hell_ of a show.

                You’re torn between pushing him hard and fast to the finish and seeing how long you can draw out the teasing, but he decides the question for you by decaptchaloguing an actual filial pail and gasping, “ _Please_ —”

                Aww, you can’t say no when he’s asking so pretty. You nudge his legs wider so you’ll have space for the pail, and he shudders as the metal rim digs into his thighs, and buries his face in his hands. Hmm, feedback would be pretty useful right now, because you’re not sure what he needs to tip him over the edge. You toy with his bulge, hauling it almost all the way out of his nook and letting it slide back in. Holy shit, you _really_ want to fuck him yourself. “You know, I think I’m gonna have to order a dick of my own. Something niiiice and big. Bet I’ll look like a proper musclebeast wearing it!”

                He shudders. “For, for—”

                You laugh. “Yep, for wrecking _you_.”

                That does the trick, he shakes so hard when he comes that you’re afraid he might wreck the pail. The rim definitely isn’t circular anymore when you tug it free and set it aside. Wow, Horuss’s blue is seriously pretty when it’s smeared all over his thighs like that. Maaaan, you wish it was all over _your_ thighs. You’re kind of hopeful for a second, but he looks totally exhausted and his bulge is retreating back into its sheath. Oh well. Maybe you can finish yourself off real quick?

                You guess Horuss catches a look at you, because he asks, “May I be of assistance?”

                Ahh, what a sweetheart!! You pretty much pounce on him to give him a very enthusiastic kiss. “Your hand?”

                He pauses, though. “I am unsure—My control, it, it may be lacking—” Oh, right. Fuck, you keep forgetting about that. You feel your face fall, but it’s cool, you can finish it yourself. But Horuss goes on with, “My… mouth?”

                Oh my god. _Fuck. Yes_. You just tip him right over onto the floor, because the couch is like, five steps away, and that’s _way_ too far. You just kneel right up over his face, and you can’t help shivering just from feeling his breath against you, please, yes, you want this so bad—

                Horuss must have done his reading on human anatomy, because _god_ does he know what a clit is and how to use it. It’s way too intense in the best possible way, and you can’t help grinding down against him. At least he’s strong enough to lift you up when he needs to breathe, because this just feels way too good to remember that yourself.

                It feels even better than his hand did before, but chasing a second orgasm is always more difficult for you. Even though this feels incredible, it’s tricky to let the tension build when your attention keeps getting pulled back to how you’re a little shaky and a lot tired. You distract yourself petting his horns and hair. Those horns, man, they are just _designed_ to be played with! Your left hand is toying with one of his horns while your right combs through his hair, carefully smoothing it. And Horuss starts purring against you. Oh god, oh fuck oh fuck it _destroys_ you. It’s like a vibrator but a million times better because it’s attached to a living, breathing person, and who was too tired to come? Not you! You ride that orgasm for as long as it’ll last before you finally pull away and collapse next to Horuss on the floor.

                He’s still purring, you weren’t imagining it. You just tuck yourself in against his side and listen to him go. Tbh, you’re too exhausted to do much of anything else. You don’t think Horuss is much better. You’re starting to shiver a little from the cold, but wow are you uninterested in moving right now. Actually, from where you are you can _juuust_ snag one of the blankets that’s fallen off of the couch—perfect. You tuck yourself and Horuss in, and even though he’s chillier than a human, turns out he warms up real nice where he’s pressed against you.

                You think you doze. Maybe? At some point you open your eyes and there are magically more blankets, so you must have fallen asleep eventually. There’s still light outside, but you know what? You still don’t want to move. You just snuggle in tight against Horuss and shut your eyes. This was great, this was better than great, and you’re feeling pretty confident that he enjoyed himself just as much as you did. Eventually, you collect your thoughts enough to ask, “Can I spend the night?”

                It takes him a minute to answer, and for a moment you think he’s asleep, but— “I would be honored.”

                Yeah. You’re pretty happy with how today went.

 

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]\--

 

TG: hey so it looks like i wont be able to make it 2 dinner tonight  
TT: Called it.

 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  has blocked  timaeusTestified [TT] \--

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/108472210876/fill-my-heart-with-emptiness-26496-words-by)


End file.
